I AM CHANGED

My Story--Published in Christ's Place Magazine (cpmag).
The cpmag is published once a year by Christ's Place. 
1111 Old Cheney Road, Lincoln, NE 68512. Copyright 2013


I was a broken girl and all I wanted was to feel loved. I chased after men, sex, smoking,
and excessive use of alcohol, trying anything to get attention and love. But it usually
just led me to a crumpled ball on my living room floor. The more I tried to fill myself with
all these things, the worse I felt. But I just kept doing it over and over. I believed I was
worthless and that the world would be better off without me in it. I honestly wanted to die.
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I'LL NEVER FORGET THE MOMENT
MY LIFE CHANGED.
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I’ll never forget the moment my life changed. I still remember what row and exact chair I
was sitting in. My best friend Kendra made me go to Christ’s Place on a Saturday night
in January of 2012. Quite honestly, it was the last place I wanted to be.

When Pastor Rick asked those who wanted to get right with God to raise their hands, I
didn’t just raise mine; I ran up to the front, desperate for something different in my life. I
discovered Jesus was the only answer. I gave my heart to Christ that night and, with it, I
surrendered control of my life. I was baptized the following weekend.

While I was in the water and my video testimony played, Pastor Bruce told me, “You
are part of a new story Jes. The old is gone and you are new.” These words are forever
engrained in my soul. The idea that I could actually be free from my past still brings me
to tears. When I went in the water I let go of my past and came up feeling new. Pastor
Bruce was right.
____________________________________________________________________

"THEREFORE, IF ANYONE IS IN 
CHRIST THEY ARE A NEW CREATION,
THE OLD IS GONE THE NEW IS HERE."
                                          2 Corinthians 5:17
____________________________________________________________________

I got involved at Christ’s Place right away by joining the worship choir and was instantly
overwhelmed by the way the other choir members loved me and spoke life into me. I
began to see myself as a person who could do anything!

I also joined the Starting Point Connect Group. Being in a room with other people
and talking about life and God made me comfortable for the first time. When I shared
my story, out loud, from beginning to end, something changed in me. Pastor Nathan
was one of the first people to really touch my heart. He really cared. And he made me
promise I would never date again unless he met and talked with the guy first. Such a
simple statement made me feel like I mattered.
___________________________________________________________________

WHEN I SHARED MY STORY, OUT
LOUD, FROM BEGINNING TO END,
SOMETHING CHANGED IN ME.
___________________________________________________________________

A few months later God started even deeper work in my life. Through the Scars sermon
series, messages Pastor Mike shared in choir, and getting involved in Stephen Ministry
training, God showed me I needed to re-visit my past and allow Him to heal me.

Early on in Stephen Ministry training, at the same time as the Scars series, we had a
class about people not opening up and putting on a “fake face” to appear to be OK. We
were all supposed to share a time we did that. I bawled and admitted I was doing it in
that very moment. I opened up about my lack of self worth and everyone prayed for me.
Throughout the rest of the training I was able to identify and target areas in life that I still
needed to heal and work through. The training served a dual purpose for me. I learned
to care for others, but I also had no idea it was going to heal me the way it did.

I shared my story on video for the Scars series last spring.
(click here for the link to the video and click here for the link to the Scars Sermon Series)
Just like sharing my story inStarting Point this helped me overcome my past.
As Rick said during the series, “Exposeit to dispose it.”
I began to see how it impacted others and started to develop a deep
desire to continue reaching out to people. That is when I started living my faith openly,
and writing a blog, telling my story of how Christ freed me from my past.

Being involved in church and around good people who fed life into me helped me see
my true self-worth and see myself as God sees me. I know that I matter now, and what
other people have said about me in my past doesn’t define me. What Christ says about
me is what matters - He says I can do ALL things through Him that gives me strength.
__________________________________________________________________

BEING INVOLVED IN CHURCH AND AROUND
GOOD PEOPLE WHO FED LIFE INTO ME 
HELPED ME SEE MY TRUE SELF-WORTH
AND SEE MYSELF AS GOD SEES ME. 
__________________________________________________________________

God not only saved me from myself and where my life was headed, but he taught me He
could use my experience to impact others. In this last year, I started volunteering with
Guest Services as a greeter, in Rock Solid as a youth sponsor, was commissioned as a

Stephen Minister Commissioning

Stephen Minister, continued in Worship Choir and began leading a Connect Group. In all
the areas of ministry I became involved in, it became less about serving and more about
helping others experience the love of Christ and the life change that happens in following
Him.

Before that moment my life changed in January last year, I had my own ideas for my
life, my own plans, but God had bigger and better plans. And, through this past year of
leading and growing in my relationship with Christ, God has put many people who I’ve
had the opportunity to lead to Christ.
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I HAD MY OWN IDEAS FOR MY LIFE, MY 
OWN PLANS, BUT GOD HAD BIGGER AND
BETTER PLANS.
_________________________________________________________________

Tori's Baptism

Just recently two friends of mine were baptized at Christ’s Place and I was blessed to
be a part of their day with wet, tearful hugs as they came out of the water. Seeing first
hand the domino effect of invites that led to each of their salvations and life change, is
something that will never get old.


God continues to guide and direct me and I’m trusting His plans for my life. I am in the

Jen's Baptism

process of selling my furniture, giving up the comfort of my own space, setting aside
career plans for my life and moving in with Kendra to live on her couch. She is taking me
in so that I can follow God’s call to attend CPLC next fall in the Church Leadership Track. (click here for more information on CPLC)

I don’t know what the end of my story will be. It may just be beginning all over again. I
do know one thing: whatever it is, I will follow and trust Him for he has proved His way is better than mine.

Wherever He leads, I will follow.

The girl who came kicking and screaming, who wanted nothing to do with God, is now
devoting her life to serve Him. I wouldn’t have it any other way, for it is through Christ
that I am changed.

LET GO and LET GOD!

In today’s society we so easily define who we are based off what we have. I LOVE my stuff! I admit it I LOVE having stuff and space and things…so many things! I get a sense of achievement from stacking up my list of “I have succeeded” inventory. It makes me feel good. I also LOVE my space, my apartment, my car, my room, anywhere I can go and close a door and escape; oh how I LOVE it because it’s “mine”! I’m not saying I am not generous or that I don’t like to give. I have always had a giving heart. But at the end of the day…I could give, I could give a lot, but I still went home and had all that was mine so it was OK  I was safe, I was comfortable. I could go spend time with my best friend and her kids but when it stopped being “fun” and wasn’t in my comfort zone, I went home, closed the door and got to have all that was “mine”.  And why not, that is perfectly normal right? We all have our stuff and our space, we deserve it right? We work hard with intention to have things to provide and survive and thrive. Have a big house a fancy car nice furniture etc., etc., etc…. In the past 10 years I have worked job after job to make the big bucks so I can afford all my stuff and my space. Those jobs never lasted longer than a season and then I would jump right back in and find a different job so I could have more stuff and more space. But it just never really worked out.  I was good at these sales jobs a natural as most would say but they never lasted. And each time I defeated myself and failed to rise to the top I was left feeling inadequate once again…But I had to have my stuff so I had to find the jobs.

I first became a Christian in high school. I used to get teased because I had a bumper sticker on my car that said “No Jesus No Peace, KNOW Jesus KNOW Peace” but it didn’t bother me, some people laughed at me and called me a “Bible Beater.” I boldly shared the gospel without a second thought and remember being truly at peace and happy. A turning point moment for me was at the end of my junior year, I was going through my yearbook reading all the things my friends wrote and I remember thinking it was someone else’s book. It was page after, page after, page of people thanking me for showing them who God was and helping them to believe. I thought to myself with almost confusion and disbelief that I had an impact on so many people…and I knew God had a calling on my life, I felt this inner voice telling me I was destined for

"The more you trust your intuition,
the more empowered you become,
the stronger you become,
and the happier you become." 
- Gisele Bundchen

greatness but I wasn’t sure what that really meant or even how to process something like that. When I graduated the next year instead of trusting my gut and going after God and that feeling I had about serving Him, I went with what I knew, what was comfortable. I followed my own dreams. I ignored that inner voice telling me that I was destined for greatness beyond twirling baton, beyond going to the big university, beyond what I had planned for myself. I was too selfish and caught up in what I wanted to listen to it. So off to college I went. And I was so excited I was living my dream!

Now I do want to be clear about something; I do not think it is wrong to have goals and dreams and to go after them, we should all dream and have goals. In my case I was so consumed with what I wanted that I wasn’t listening to what God was leading me to.  And I paid many a heavy hard price for that.  Bad relationships, abuse, poor money management, one bad decision after another…you name it…I did it and it happened to me. I was so consumed with my dream that I became lost, broken, and over 13 years later and I didn’t even want to live.

The good news is, even though I turned my back on God and ignored what he was trying to tell me, He still met me where I was at. About 18 months ago I found myself on my knees desperate for a change. My best friend Kendra took me to church, kicking and screaming; it was the last place I wanted to be. I had been to church a lot off and on through the years and it didn’t ever work, so I just figured it was a waste of time and I was a lost cause.  But something happened to me that night when I found myself so uncomfortable with my brokenness that I had no choice but to change.  I re-dedicated my life to God and never looked back. It hasn’t been an easy road. I have still struggled, but that peace, that happiness I had my junior year in high school, it came back. And although I struggle I finally am truly surviving and thriving, but for real this time.

As I started to get involved with my church and learned to get comfortable not only in my faith again but in myself, I started to feel this tug on my heart again. Much like the one in high school, this voice telling me I was meant for greatness, I was meant for more, I was going to change the world. Seriously…I laughed at first…I mean ya right, Like I Jessie Adcox could change the world? I kept denying it and God kept speaking to me, He was relentless and would not give up. I started seeing people’s lives change right before my very eyes, just as mine did. 

In the bible it says in 2 Corinthians 5:17 “This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” If you read my blog you are familiar with this verse and some of my stories of this life change that happens and it’s miraculous! And I was seeing it happen all the time! God was using me to facilitate it! Actually using me to share the word and influence people. All of a sudden those pages from my high school yearbook morphed into real life happening right in front of me!

Baptizing Emily. A Life Changing moment for us both!

And then all it took was one girl, Emily, who asked me to baptize her and that small voice telling me I was meant for greatness began to yell very loud and clear! I knew…I just knew! My life was meant to help souls be saved and lives be changed.  All I want is for everyone to know that peace and happiness. Not perfection, that is impossible, but in this imperfect life, all I want is for people to have peace, happiness, and to feel loved through the love of our Savior Jesus Christ.

When I made the decision to trust God and start Christ’s Place Leadership College along with Berean Bible online courses with the intention to become a certified pastor, I knew I had to make the ultimate sacrifice and LET GO in order to LET GOD.  My best friend asked me to move in with her so I could save up for my schooling and I hesitatingly said yes because it made sense. She was going through some things and needed the support and I needed to save the money. I had planned to work my job until August and then start school. Perfect plan!  I could give a little in the form of my space, live on her couch and not have my own bedroom, save money, store my stuff and have the best of both worlds! But I wasn’t fully letting go, so it didn’t shock me when I lost my job a couple weeks after devising my perfect plan. I realized I needed to give it ALL up. I sold, gave away, or threw away everything I owned with the exception of half my clothes, some dishes, and keepsake items. My “stuff” that I love so much and my space that I treasured I needed to be rid of it because I made the choice to LET GO so I can LET GOD.

My best friend Kendra and Me at home.
Without her this all wouldn't have come together
she is truly a blessing from God.

See the thing is, I probably could have found a way to make it work, to be there for my friend, find another good paying job to get me by, stayed in my apartment, kept my stuff and stayed right where I was.  I learned something about trusting that voice that calls out to me; when I get wrapped up in my own agenda and all my “stuff” it has never turned out for the better. Most often it has led me to some of the worst places in my life. By letting go and reaching a point to by definition of most “I have nothing” I truly believe I will finally find that I have EVERYTHING.  MY “STUFF” DOESN’T DEFINE ME! And I don’t need ANY of it to see life change in people!  It doesn’t matter that I don’t have a job at the moment, it doesn’t matter that I don't have as much money as I would like. It doesn’t matter that my circumstances haven’t changed and haven’t gotten better and it doesn’t matter that it’s a harder struggle to not have my “stuff” than I thought. Whatever God is teaching me right now, whatever He has in store for me, all I know is that through it all no matter the amount of discomfort, by letting go so I can let God there is a world full of possibilities and now I am open to them. I am free to be led where he wants to take me and I have faith and truly believe that he will lead me to the greatness He destined me for.  SOULS SAVED, LIVES CHANGED. 

No we are not all called to this extreme servitude and sacrifice, but can you imagine how much better the world would be if we could all just LET GO and LET GOD more than just inside our comfort zone? Imagine how our lives would change if we focused more on other people than on our own stuff?

What can you sacrifice today? Do you LOVE your stuff, your time, your money, or your space, more than you should? As always leave a comment or send an email, would love to hear how you plan to let go and let God work in your life.

Blessings,

Jessie

XOXO

Let's Talk About Sex...

Let me tell you a story about a girl. She flirts with boys and uses her looks to get their attention. You know the girl, the one you call a slut and a whore. The one who everyone talks about and calls "easy". The girl who has a view of sex to be as meaningless as a handshake. new-age technology has made it easy for her to entice with picture texts and posting promiscuous pictures on social media. This girl would do anything to have the focus on her. Her body has become her canvas and tool to capture and maintain this spotlight. She jokes about how she is "judged" and how "a guy is a player" and "a girl is a hoe" and how it isn't right and her sexual freedom should be praised not condemned. We all know this girl. I know her all too well...I know her because...she used to be me. 

I wish I could pinpoint when my thought process changed, but I really am not sure. All I know is that I found myself one day feeling like I didn't matter. I felt unloved and invisible.  All I wanted was for people, especially men to pay attention to me and to like me. I just wanted to be loved. 

When I was in highschool I started to notice that the boys paid attention to you if you talked about sex. And even more so if you actually did it. Now, I was against premarital sex so I figured it was ok if I just acted like I would do it, then I could get the attention. Little did I know that it just didn't work that way. Through the years of high school and college I learned a lot of hard lessons and got myself into constant situations I didn't really want to be in, yet never really fought my way out of them either. That is when sex became meaningless. All I wanted was to feel loved and get attention and I sure got it. But somehow felt worse every time. So then it became a cycle..try again, feel worse, try again feel worse. It just never got better yet I was stuck doing the same thing over and over and eventually my feelings of being unloved and invisible turned to worthlessness and disgust. I hated myself. So to cope, I kept seeking and kept acting as if sex was the answer. 

I was so consumed with just wanting to feel loved I never thought about the consequences. I found myself in college and in yet another situation where I just wanted to feel important and feel loved. And I had a LOT going for me...I was successful in my competitive baton twirling career; capturing multiple State, Regional, National, and even one World Title. I was also twirling for my university...in most eyes I had it made! Yet I was dying inside. I was dying because I kept giving a little piece of myself away in my quest for love, each time...another piece...just given away, until there was almost nothing left. So here I was in the eyes of most; this happy-go lucky girl, successful, pretty, popular, people actually wanted to be me, looked up to me, and I was miserable. I was using sex as a tool for love, and instead...

I got pregnant by someone I barely knew. I was so consumed and selfish at this time in my life, I decided to have an abortion. Time went on, me and this guy dated for 3 years and I got pregnant again, and had another abortion. 

I can't begin to tell you the turmoil these decisions caused me. I never hated anyone more then I hated myself. So I stuck with what I knew...sex got me attention and made me feel loved...right? So keep doing it right? WRONG! I ended up in a few very wrong relationships over the years. I got pregnant two more times and had miscarriages with both pregnancies. 

I became somebody I couldn't even recognize. In a sandwich of self loathing and disparity to just feel loved I became so self centered and well...as someone once said to me...I was a sh*t show. I didn't know my head from my behind and it was just wrong decision after wrong decision after an even more horribly wrong decision. I was just a snowball out of control rolling at full speed down a mountain of "you suck" snow.

so lets talk about sex. 

lets talk about the girl you call a slut and a whore, a murderer, a worthless pile of crap. 

lets talk about me. 

I spent way too much of my life in misery and "looking for love in all the wrong places" and honestly I am surprised i survived. Well I used to be...

Then I met Christ. 

He saved me from myself and from my sexual sin that was slowly destroying me. He helped me see that I am loved, just the way I am. That no man on earth and no mistake from my past defines me and that if I just choose to lean on Him, He will fill me with his spirit and change my life. You call me a slut, a whore, a murderer, easy????

You can call me anything you want, because God...HE CALLS ME REDEEMED!

My Purity Ring;
Symbolizes One year of purity,
my commitment to God,
my future husband and to myself

It has been over a year now since I have had sex and I have made the commitment to wait until marriage before having sex again. See, I am worth more, so I vow not only for God, but for my future husband and also...for myself...because I am worth it. 

I now lean on God for definition of who I am and to feel loved and I am in constant awe of how amazing it feels to be pure in body, mind, and spirit. I now have clarity in so many other areas of my life as I am not bogged down by this destructive tendency. I broke out of the pattern and clung onto what is REAL and what is TRUE, and for the first time in my life as far as I can remember...I LOVE myself and I feel LOVED. God loves me and THAT is what matters. And now I am able to leave the door open for a man to love me, actually love me, not my body, not my sex...but ME. 

So the next time you turn your nose up at the girl everyone is talking about...try loving on her...chances are she is just as lost as I once was. And if you are that girl...I say STOP...it is NEVER too late to change....STOP turn to God and realize you are worth more. Value yourself and save yourself. 

Engraved on the outside:True Love Waits
(1 Timothy 4:12)
Engraved on the inside: A New Creation

Sex is not an easy subject, no one wants to talk about the consequences or mistakes. You look in the media and its glorified everywhere. So no one wants to talk about the uglies, but everyone wants to talk about how wonderful it is. It is wonderful, in the confines of marriage, anything else, you are just giving yourself away little by little and digging your own self hatred grave and preparing to lay in it alive. Put the shovel down and get real with your soul. It is time to be proud of your purity and quit lying to yourself. Just because it feels good does not make it right! You know what I am talking about, chances are most of you reading this right now have that nasty sting in your gut...listen to it and turn from it. I did...so can you!

Let's talk about the girl the flirts with the boys and is looking for love in all the wrong places, let's talk about the girl who faced consequences and made bad choices...but most of all....let's talk about the girl that was set free, changed and forgiven...let's talk about the girl you do not have to be anymore or never have to become! 

What do you think about sex? can you even talk about it? as always leave a comment or send an email. would love to hear your stories. 

Blessings
Jessie 
XOXO

1 Timothy 4:12

Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.

Proverbs 5:3-5, 9:17-18

The lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But the result is as bitter as poison, sharp as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave… To those without good judgment, she says, `Stolen water is refreshing; food eaten in secret tastes the best!’ But the men don’t realize that her former guests are now in the grave.

Happy New Year INDEED!

Here we go...yet another year. Naturally as we all do this time every year we begin to reflect on the year past as well as look into the year ahead. We make resolutions, try to be better do better, lose weight, lie less...etc. Well, I am just about truly speechless as I am  in awe of the change that has occurred this past year in my life.  A year ago I would have never imagined what my life is today.  I think about how I went from a girl too afraid to step into the unknown and clinging to so many dark things trying to find happiness and completely transformed into a woman of God who makes a habit of being uncomfortable just in order to grow and is clinging to light and truth for happiness. And its almost unfathomable how different my life is. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here...I do not deserve the credit. All credit goes to God. All I did was allow for him to create this change in me. I am far from perfect but as i have said before, I am definitely better, and happy...really happy! Not just the fake it til you make it happy either...really happy.

Then I begin to think about the people still struggling in the darkness. still clinging to men, other's opinions, addictions, etc to find happiness and I wish I could make it easier for them. I kind of have a habit of being a little "in your face" at times about the TRUTH.  See for me I was caudaled so much of my life that once I "figured it out" it became really black and white for me. I realized I actually have a choice whether to be in the light or mope in the darkness. Once I let go of the control and gave it to God to handle...it was like boom! darkness gone! Now this doesn't mean I haven't struggled or will not struggle in the future...I am human, life happens and most of the time it doesn't go the way I would like it to.  In fact it's usually in those moments when it doesn't go my way that I really learn how much better God's plan for my life is than the one I had hoped for and laid out in my mind.  It never fails, His love never fails and every time I come to a crossroads in life he proves this to me.

A year ago I was a sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love, I was lazy, full of excuses, chasing all the wrong relationships, I was self-centered, and motivated by this concept of the world revolving around me. I really had no concern for anyone but myself and only cared about the things that I "thought" made me happy, that I "thought" I needed, and I would stop at nothing and mow over anyone I had to in order to get my way.  I had my life planned out.. but I never really saw past myself. Me...Me...Me. it was just all about Jessie all of the time.

My brother at his graduation party. 

My step mom Shelly told me a story this past Christmas, a story about a girl who threw a graduation party for her brother. She said she watched this girl sit and wait for each and every guest, greeted them, made sure they signed the book, made sure they knew where the food was, what tables to sit at, and just overall was a girl of poise, grace, and nothing but concern for the others at this party to ensure her brother and his guests were having a good time. She said this girl was not the same girl she knew a year ago. She said this girl was me. I of course bawled like a baby hearing this (total perfect Mom-Daughter moment) And I thought back...and it was me. I didn't even realize it! And that was the beauty of it. Such a seemingly small gesture to most...throwing a party for my brother...but yet so simply and truthfully a perfect example of how God has changed me. I was the last person I thought about that night. It was not about me at all. It was about everyone else, and man that felt good. Especially since I didn't even think about it...it just happened naturally. This is just one small example of many.

But the whole point i am making (or trying to make) here is that it all started with God. Once I made that commitment and began to die to my flesh and let the spirit fill me and lead my life THAT is when change really started to happen. Yes I made the conscious choice to die to the flesh...but it is in allowing God to change me that i was set free. I know that everyone has their own process, their own way and road of hurting, healing, grieving, and working through life's challenges. But if I could encourage all those at the crossroads to just take a leap of faith as I did and make that choice to let God lead you, I promise you...you will too see positive change in your life.

See...I was a sad sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love and more comfortable laying in my pool of sadness. But I made that choice to not just tread that water anymore and began to swim to the light...and you can to...you have the choice. So start swimming my friends!
 Happy New Year! And a VERY special thank you to all my friends and family, my church family and staff, and especially my best friend who has had an abundance of patience and my sole support through all the years of treading water as well as this past year while I swam! Kendra Tucker...My life would not be the same without you. I love you girl! Cheers to the New Year and CHEERS to you and all you have accomplished this past year... I am oh so proud of you and honored to call you my best friend!

As always please leave a comment or send an email of your own stories. Would love to hear them. Happy New Year! and many blessings to you all! May 2013 Trump the heck out of 2012! Make that choice...and it sure will...Promise!

Do yourself a favor and go "run in the snow"

Have you ever stopped and thought about how celebratory we are as humans? Especially "FIRSTS" think about it.... FIRST wedding anniversaries, FIRST birthdays, milestones such as the FIRST year of sobriety, FIRST year at a new job, or FIRST year living on your own away from your parents. Tomorrow I celebrate a FIRST I never thought I would come to. 

It was a year ago I was desperately trying to hang onto a relationship that for so many reasons just was not right. Yet I was doing everything in my power to "save" and "fix" it. We had gone out on a date and after it was over I cried myself to sleep and begged God to save me, save "us".   And boy did he answer! Just not in the way I had wanted or planned. Ever notice that more often than not, God answers our prayers just not in the way we wanted him to? But every time it ends up even better than we had planned in our heads? I went to bed praying for God to save me and to fix "us" expecting to wake up with some glorious revelation of how we were going to live happily ever after together forever and it was all just going to be ok. I was working off my own agenda and thought I knew what was best for me. Then in perfect God fashion the relationship ended, and I thought I had lost it all and would never survive. In fact if I would have been on the outside and able to place a bet on myself at that given moment...I would have bet against me. I would have bet that I would self destruct and inevitably most likely die. See I used to view things such as men and sex as maps to guide my pride into believing I was indeed worth a damn. So yes I would have bet against me. 

So getting back to the part where God saved me but not in the way I wanted or planned...See when the relationship ended I thought my world had ended too, but little did I know it was just about to begin.  I made the decision to let God have control of my life and accept Jesus as my savior and this past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't change for anything.  In just one year I have gone from the girl looking for love in all the wrong places to the girl who has been pure for a solid year.  I'll say it again, I would have bet against me and I am proud to say I would have lost! That is the amazing thing about God, he is so good at taking a mess and creating a masterpiece! 

I want you to know I am not perfect in any way and the road itself has not been perfect either. It has actually been probably the roughest road I have ever traveled. A lot like running in the snow. Tonight in spite of the snowy weather I decided to go run outside anyways. It was crazy how some sidewalks were perfectly clean and dry, then some where spotty and icy, and some were not even shoveled and I was running through HUGE snow drifts, twisting my ankles barely moving forward and almost falling down. But I finished... I was a little more worn out than usual but I finished. And I finished because I was centered, focused, and intentional. That's how life is. If you are centered, focused and intentional about God...he will get you through the runs in the snow...or in other words the rough roads of life.  I never thought I would make it on my own, or without a man and today I may not be perfect but I am definitely better. Better and truly happy. 

So, many people are saying the world is going to end tomorrow and for me...its beginning all over again. I hit a year..one whole year of purity, a year of not only surviving but striving. And I have only just begun! Although life may present its many challenges, I look forward to many more "runs in the snow" and many more times where God proves his agenda to be better than my own.  All it took was that first step towards God. People let me encourage you to take that step, do not place bets against yourself, instead let go of the control and go run in the snow! Stay focused, centered and intentional about God and He WILL see you through to the end. 

Are you struggling or reaching a milestone of your own? As always please leave a comment or send me an email with your stories, would love to hear them. 

Blessings and Merry Christmas!
XOXO 
Jessie

100% FAITH!!!!

So...a moment of honesty... I think I was waiting to write this particular subject matter so that once again I could share a moment of trial and then reveal some big awesome "ah ha! look how awesome it ended up turning out" moment for you all. Seems to be a pattern recently that I am thrown with life trials leading me into the unknown outcome of the, oh so pleasant waiting and trust game.

Faith...100% faith.  what does that look like to you?

For me... I think I am finally actually realizing how legit it is...to have complete 100% faith in God that it will all work out and he will provide. Here's the deal... I lost my job a couple weeks ago. I wish I could tell you that I was like OK! no worries! God is awesssssooooome! And then went jumping and prancing in fields of flowers with joy knowing everything was going to be OK. It wasn't, not at first. When I first got the news I had quite the "WWF Battle of Voices"going on in my head.

One voice said:  "there is more for you out in the world, trust me I will carry you through these hard times just trust me."

The other voice said:  "see you are a loser, you cannot keep a job, you have no money, you will never amount to anything."

I had to make a conscious choice on which voice to listen to. I had to overcome my natural tendency to lean to the bad outcome and look at the good.  I of course chose the good and began to faithfully trust God.

Adcox -made special race gear

I automatically assumed..sweeet! it will all work out so smoothly now i just have to beliiiieeeveee!!!!! yet it seems like it has actually been one thing after another! I signed up for a 15K race that took place last Sunday. Me and my best friend were tackling another "crazy why not do it Adcox goal" together.  This would be the farthest either of us had ever ran. I made special outfits for us it was gonna be so awesome!!!!! And with the new found extra time on my hands I was able to take my training up a notch, and was so totally stoked at how easy it was. This was gonna be the BEST RACE EVER! Then I got sick, and before I knew it I was at the doctor's office, and the entire week prior to the race I was unable to train. I refused to get discouraged, took care of my body took my medicine no big deal right? But, then the night before the race I just couldn't sleep. I was struggling with the recent death of a friend and just couldn't sleep.  By the time the morning came I had only one hour of sleep and I was faced again with another decision. What a great excuse, I have been sick all week, haven't had any sleep, made sense to go back to bed and sleep rather than go to church and sing in choir. then came the voices again...

One voice said: "trust me I will carry you through it and prove you can do all things through me. I will give you strength..go to church you need to be there"

the other voice said: "ahhh screw church the race is more important you need sleep go back to bed, in fact forget the race just get some sleep you are sick after all."

One text later from my best friend reminding me of my own advice "no excuses" I was in the shower getting ready for church. And man am I glad I did! it was an amazing rejuvenating experience I definitely needed. and when we sang the words "you make all things work together for my good" I just knew, I knew I was going to be OK and I also knew that I fully 100% believed it and really understood what it meant to have this unending, never failing faith.

Kendra and me after finishing the 15K race!

I went on to finish the 15K race with my best friend, together we triumphed and smashed another goal. Once again all the odds were against me; I was sick, un-rested, and let me tell you I did not feel well one bit, my mind was going a million miles a minute with all the other "stuff" going on trying to distract me, but with God and his strength I got through it.  And not just scraping by, I got through it...with joy...the whole time me and Kendra were praying for each other and singing at the top of our lungs "B B B B Bennie and the Jettttsssss" It was one of those experiences you can't make up and will never forget. I wasn't even sore the next day and even ran another 5K race two days later. And I almost missed out on all of it. I am so thankful for the right voices and friends like Kendra to remind me to listen to them.

Most of all what I took away from this experience relates back to my current job situation. If I can achieve a goal like that with so many obstacles in my way then I can certainly handle not having a job, eating potatoes for dinner for the 3rd time this week and being short on money.  You may be thinking, how does that even compare??? Well its easy, see when I wanted to give up I didn't, I trusted God and he saw me through.  Just as he will now. So yes I will eat my potatoes, and I will smile, and sing and dance around my apartment not knowing what my future holds, where I am going to end up career wise, if I will be able to pay my bills, or even if I will have food to eat tomorrow. I KNOW it will all work out and this is temporary. 

My favorite line from the songs we sang last weekend is "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning." bring it on night...can't wait for the morning! And in the mean time I will smile through the pain.  I 100% Trust God with it all and I know he will provide! After all...what good does crying about it do? I have had the best couple weeks of my life, that very well could be looked at as the worst couple weeks. I lost my job, i got sick, a friend died...heavy stuff...yet I chose. I do not worry and I am unafraid! The one and only thing getting me through each day and maintaining my joy is God.

I will stay diligent and continue to apply for jobs, take my medicine until it's gone, work through my grief process regarding my friend, and do all the necessary things that are in my power to control. There is no room for lazy. but the things that I cannot control...let them come and let them go. After all, it's God's plan not mine and I know and 100% believe that no matter what, He will take care of me. Doesn't seem like a fight now does it? Just  a ride i have the pleasure of being on. Man life is so good.

what challenge are you facing today? Are you worried about the simple things in life that you can't control or are you spending your energy following the right voices and having that 100% FAITH in life that no matter what God will provide? Let me encourage you today if you are not...step back and pray...listen to the right voice and most of all TRUST it. 
leave a comment or send me an email with your stories. would love to hear from you.

Blessings!

XOXO

Jessie

Psalms 13:5 
But I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Proverbs 28:26 
He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.

Resentment...what is holding you back?

So the other day I was informed that my ex boyfriend is getting married next month. We ended our relationship about 10 months ago and to say the least... it wasn't a very pretty process. In fact I have carried this burden around for the past 10 months all the while claiming "I don't care... he was never good enough for me anyways". But when I heard that news my heart sank, I even had to hold back tears. I couldn't figure out why this was bothering me so much...I mean I truthfully AM better off and happy now but yet I found myself bawling in the bathroom at work ALL DAY! I just couldn't figure it out... so I just prayed and prayed.

See... we humans are so funny and foolish; especially after breakups and conflicts in any relationship. Our pride becomes the center and all else revolves around it. Think about it...you start with the name calling, putting the other person down...why? To make yourself feel better. You relive all the hurtful things they did to you... why? Because it's easier to remember the pain, and hate the person so that you can convince yourself that you are indeed.. better off and better than.

This is what I have been doing for the past 10 months. All of it... I just wanted to be right and him to be wrong so I did all that, over and over and over. I was hurting and thought it made me feel better...but I was wrong. I found myself battling with this rather frequently and would end up in church and a song or the message would strike a nerve, I would cry and pray and give it to God... and then I would feel better...for a while. Then it would sneak back up on me and I was right back there again, name calling, reliving, blaming, and lying to myself claiming to "be over it". It was like the invisible rock in your shoe... you feel it, you take your shoe off, shake it out, put it back on... rock gone and you keep on walking. Then you wear those shoes like three more times and all of a sudden, there is that darn rock again! And you swear you shook it out!

That rock represents resentment for me. In this particular situation I was so caught up in my own pride and need to want to be right and look better, that I was completely blowing over the real issue and source of my pain. It was seemingly easier to hate my ex and think and talk bad about him than it was to just realize how much better off we both are and to just be happy for him. Regardless of what happened in our relationship, or who was right, or who was wrong...I was just missing the whole point and spending all my energy hating someone when I should be loving and forgiving them.

Why should i love and forgive someone who busted my heart into a million pieces you ask? I say why not? I spent 10 months resenting someone and in one single moment of prayer when i decided to love him and be happy for him and his soon to be wife...then and only then was I FINALLY free and healed from it!

As I have said so many times before...it's just not about me. And Love is and always should be the only way. Jesus loves me and THAT is what REALLY matters. All that other junk only drags you down and prevents you from knowing and feeling real true love.

Who are you mad at today? What are you hanging onto? Did somebody do you wrong and does it make you feel better to think and speak ill of them? People don't! Just don't! LOVE everyone like Jesus and pray for those who have hurt you.

I wasted 10 months on resentment and found myself on the bathroom floor at work FINALLY realizing all I had to do was love them, be happy for them, praise God for always knowing better than I, and fully trust his agenda and plan. I should have faith that no matter how butt hurt I get when things don't go my way or when people hurt me...it's all real simple...IT'S NOT ABOUT ME... and resentment gets me nowhere but down.

If you are struggling with this. Pray. Be honest with yourself and with God and pray for that person, let it go... dig into that shoe and hand pick the rock out... don't just shake it out and assume and hope it's gone... get real with yourself and make a conscious decision to love. It will set you free! It did for me.

Leave a comment or send an email if you have thoughts or stories of resentment to share. Would love to hear about it.

Blessings

XOXO

Jes

Job 5:2

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Ephesians 4:31,32

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.