Happy New Year INDEED!

Here we go...yet another year. Naturally as we all do this time every year we begin to reflect on the year past as well as look into the year ahead. We make resolutions, try to be better do better, lose weight, lie less...etc. Well, I am just about truly speechless as I am  in awe of the change that has occurred this past year in my life.  A year ago I would have never imagined what my life is today.  I think about how I went from a girl too afraid to step into the unknown and clinging to so many dark things trying to find happiness and completely transformed into a woman of God who makes a habit of being uncomfortable just in order to grow and is clinging to light and truth for happiness. And its almost unfathomable how different my life is. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here...I do not deserve the credit. All credit goes to God. All I did was allow for him to create this change in me. I am far from perfect but as i have said before, I am definitely better, and happy...really happy! Not just the fake it til you make it happy either...really happy.

Then I begin to think about the people still struggling in the darkness. still clinging to men, other's opinions, addictions, etc to find happiness and I wish I could make it easier for them. I kind of have a habit of being a little "in your face" at times about the TRUTH.  See for me I was caudaled so much of my life that once I "figured it out" it became really black and white for me. I realized I actually have a choice whether to be in the light or mope in the darkness. Once I let go of the control and gave it to God to handle...it was like boom! darkness gone! Now this doesn't mean I haven't struggled or will not struggle in the future...I am human, life happens and most of the time it doesn't go the way I would like it to.  In fact it's usually in those moments when it doesn't go my way that I really learn how much better God's plan for my life is than the one I had hoped for and laid out in my mind.  It never fails, His love never fails and every time I come to a crossroads in life he proves this to me.

A year ago I was a sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love, I was lazy, full of excuses, chasing all the wrong relationships, I was self-centered, and motivated by this concept of the world revolving around me. I really had no concern for anyone but myself and only cared about the things that I "thought" made me happy, that I "thought" I needed, and I would stop at nothing and mow over anyone I had to in order to get my way.  I had my life planned out.. but I never really saw past myself. Me...Me...Me. it was just all about Jessie all of the time.

My brother at his graduation party. 

My step mom Shelly told me a story this past Christmas, a story about a girl who threw a graduation party for her brother. She said she watched this girl sit and wait for each and every guest, greeted them, made sure they signed the book, made sure they knew where the food was, what tables to sit at, and just overall was a girl of poise, grace, and nothing but concern for the others at this party to ensure her brother and his guests were having a good time. She said this girl was not the same girl she knew a year ago. She said this girl was me. I of course bawled like a baby hearing this (total perfect Mom-Daughter moment) And I thought back...and it was me. I didn't even realize it! And that was the beauty of it. Such a seemingly small gesture to most...throwing a party for my brother...but yet so simply and truthfully a perfect example of how God has changed me. I was the last person I thought about that night. It was not about me at all. It was about everyone else, and man that felt good. Especially since I didn't even think about it...it just happened naturally. This is just one small example of many.

But the whole point i am making (or trying to make) here is that it all started with God. Once I made that commitment and began to die to my flesh and let the spirit fill me and lead my life THAT is when change really started to happen. Yes I made the conscious choice to die to the flesh...but it is in allowing God to change me that i was set free. I know that everyone has their own process, their own way and road of hurting, healing, grieving, and working through life's challenges. But if I could encourage all those at the crossroads to just take a leap of faith as I did and make that choice to let God lead you, I promise you...you will too see positive change in your life.

See...I was a sad sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love and more comfortable laying in my pool of sadness. But I made that choice to not just tread that water anymore and began to swim to the light...and you can to...you have the choice. So start swimming my friends!
 Happy New Year! And a VERY special thank you to all my friends and family, my church family and staff, and especially my best friend who has had an abundance of patience and my sole support through all the years of treading water as well as this past year while I swam! Kendra Tucker...My life would not be the same without you. I love you girl! Cheers to the New Year and CHEERS to you and all you have accomplished this past year... I am oh so proud of you and honored to call you my best friend!

As always please leave a comment or send an email of your own stories. Would love to hear them. Happy New Year! and many blessings to you all! May 2013 Trump the heck out of 2012! Make that choice...and it sure will...Promise!

Do yourself a favor and go "run in the snow"

Have you ever stopped and thought about how celebratory we are as humans? Especially "FIRSTS" think about it.... FIRST wedding anniversaries, FIRST birthdays, milestones such as the FIRST year of sobriety, FIRST year at a new job, or FIRST year living on your own away from your parents. Tomorrow I celebrate a FIRST I never thought I would come to. 

It was a year ago I was desperately trying to hang onto a relationship that for so many reasons just was not right. Yet I was doing everything in my power to "save" and "fix" it. We had gone out on a date and after it was over I cried myself to sleep and begged God to save me, save "us".   And boy did he answer! Just not in the way I had wanted or planned. Ever notice that more often than not, God answers our prayers just not in the way we wanted him to? But every time it ends up even better than we had planned in our heads? I went to bed praying for God to save me and to fix "us" expecting to wake up with some glorious revelation of how we were going to live happily ever after together forever and it was all just going to be ok. I was working off my own agenda and thought I knew what was best for me. Then in perfect God fashion the relationship ended, and I thought I had lost it all and would never survive. In fact if I would have been on the outside and able to place a bet on myself at that given moment...I would have bet against me. I would have bet that I would self destruct and inevitably most likely die. See I used to view things such as men and sex as maps to guide my pride into believing I was indeed worth a damn. So yes I would have bet against me. 

So getting back to the part where God saved me but not in the way I wanted or planned...See when the relationship ended I thought my world had ended too, but little did I know it was just about to begin.  I made the decision to let God have control of my life and accept Jesus as my savior and this past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't change for anything.  In just one year I have gone from the girl looking for love in all the wrong places to the girl who has been pure for a solid year.  I'll say it again, I would have bet against me and I am proud to say I would have lost! That is the amazing thing about God, he is so good at taking a mess and creating a masterpiece! 

I want you to know I am not perfect in any way and the road itself has not been perfect either. It has actually been probably the roughest road I have ever traveled. A lot like running in the snow. Tonight in spite of the snowy weather I decided to go run outside anyways. It was crazy how some sidewalks were perfectly clean and dry, then some where spotty and icy, and some were not even shoveled and I was running through HUGE snow drifts, twisting my ankles barely moving forward and almost falling down. But I finished... I was a little more worn out than usual but I finished. And I finished because I was centered, focused, and intentional. That's how life is. If you are centered, focused and intentional about God...he will get you through the runs in the snow...or in other words the rough roads of life.  I never thought I would make it on my own, or without a man and today I may not be perfect but I am definitely better. Better and truly happy. 

So, many people are saying the world is going to end tomorrow and for me...its beginning all over again. I hit a year..one whole year of purity, a year of not only surviving but striving. And I have only just begun! Although life may present its many challenges, I look forward to many more "runs in the snow" and many more times where God proves his agenda to be better than my own.  All it took was that first step towards God. People let me encourage you to take that step, do not place bets against yourself, instead let go of the control and go run in the snow! Stay focused, centered and intentional about God and He WILL see you through to the end. 

Are you struggling or reaching a milestone of your own? As always please leave a comment or send me an email with your stories, would love to hear them. 

Blessings and Merry Christmas!
XOXO 
Jessie