It doesn't matter...It's in the past

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]

Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

[laughs]

Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

Not only is The Lion King one of my all-time favorite movies, to the point that my millennium quote in my senior High School yearbook stated that, the single most impacting moment of the millennium was indeed... when Lion King came out on video. But this particular conversation means so much more to me than just a funny moment in a cartoon movie.

“It doesn’t matter, It’s in the past” such a simple statement, and how true.  But do you really get it? Do you understand what that means? It is not just some random statement to not care about what you have done or what the consequences of your mistakes are.  Do you get what this REALLY means? This leads me to another question…do you know Jesus? It is my belief that if you do not know Jesus that you don’t truly know yourself. I speak from experience. Until I met Jesus and accepted Him in my heart I did not know myself. See, things in this world can damage a person. They damaged me. Haunting memories of my past mistakes led me to believe I was unworthy and did not deserve to be loved.  I honestly believed that each time I messed up, I received a “bad-girl” notch in my "headboard of life".  I believed I was “damaged goods” and hated myself. You ever feel that way? You ever do something so out of the ordinary and then consume yourself with so much hatred that you couldn’t even look in the mirror? I have. I admit it. I am human and I made a LOT of mistakes in my life.

I remember one in particular; it didn’t happen too long ago either. See, I was desperately “in love”(I put in love in quotations because I was not really in love, I had no idea what real love was at this point in my life) with someone who treated me bad and strung me along. He treated me like a yo-yo and I let him. I got myself into this situation and for all the wrong reasons. I was looking desperately for love and let myself believe that my self-worth was in this man’s approval of me.  Without him and his love, I wasn’t good enough. Sick way of thinking isn’t it? Oh and trust me, my best friend told me time and time again that I deserved more and better but I wouldn’t believe it. So I chased after this relationship and this person trying to fulfill this void and need for approval. One night via text he told me that it was over, for like the 20^th time that month and I would not accept that decision over a text. So what did I do? I went over un-invited to his house. He wouldn’t let me in so, my desperation led me to believe climbing his balcony was the answer. Yes, I climbed his balcony expecting to get in somehow and that if he just saw me, and saw how much I loved him, THEN he will love me back! Well, he didn’t…in fact he called the cops on me and told me that I was insane and crazy.  Luckily I didn’t get into any trouble; they just took me to my friend’s house.  Boy oh boy what a night that was! My best friend held me while I shivered with self-hatred and lay on her floor as tears streamed out my eyes endlessly. I kept replaying the decisions I made that night over and over and over in my head, and immediately started working a plan in my head to prove myself better, to prove I wasn’t as he said, “crazy and insane”, somehow, someway, I was going to earn my worth.  The story didn’t end there I got sucked back into that relationship for about another month or two and inevitably got told in the end I wasn’t good enough and he had found someone better, someone not crazy…someone that wouldn’t climb his balcony in the middle of the night.  I can’t begin to tell you how bad that stung. All I could do was repeat the mistakes I made, especially that night, over and over and over in my head. I blamed myself and I believed I was what he said “crazy and insane”, and a hopeless lost cause.  You know, I almost did not write about this night, I hesitated for just a minute, afraid all of you would think I was just crazy as well. But I have to tell you…being able to admit my wrongs is the most freeing thing I have ever done. And here is why…

The conversation between Rafiki and Simba is so right on the money. What have you been running from? What is it about your past that haunts you so much you are afraid to face it? Do you ever just wish you could wipe your slate clean and start all over? I used to be the queen of second chances; “im sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry” well, guess what? Sorry isn’t good enough…when your heart is not right. Finally understanding what it meant to repent and actually be sorry to God in my heart, and allow Christ to wipe the slate clean for me freed me from the burden of all my past mistakes.  I don’t have to feel bad or embarrassed about any of it…IT DOESN’T MATTER IT’S IN THE PAST!

The most important part of this is that not only did I repent…I walked away from it all and began a new life, a new story. I’ll never forget Pastor Bruce Riddle’s words to me during my baptism “you are part of a new story Jes, it’s all new and all that junk is left in the past, you are part of a new story” ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I can still hear his voice…what a real true moment in time when I really, really, finally understood what peace is. My past does not haunt me anymore. In fact, I laugh at my “spidey powers” now.

I know I will still have moments of poor judgment; after all, I am human. But those moments are far and few between, as I am thinking and seeing much clearer now. My focus is not on living for me and my wants and needs, its all about Christ and living for Him. Now that I KNOW Jesus and have a relationship with him, I know myself...and my REAL worth.  Not what a guy I made the mistake of dating says about me, but what God says about me... 

Now I converse with God daily, and through the blood of Jesus I am clean of everything in my past.  And in the future, when (not if, but WHEN) I make mistakes...I won't end up on my best friend's floor shivering in regret. Not ever again. I asked God to change my heart...and he did. And I didn't even have to EARN it. God freely gives me his grace even though I do not deserve it.  Amazing isn't it?! 

Where is your heart today? Are you burdened from your past mistakes and running from them? Or are you admitting them, learning from them, and free of them through Jesus? Leave a comment or if you would like to chat more in depth send me an email. Would love to talk to you about it!

Blessings

XOXO

~Jes

Psalm 51:2
Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!

Hebrews 8:12

For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more.

Philippians 4:13

I grew up athletic in a different way. I began twirling baton when I was 4 years old. It was all I knew, and I was never allowed to try any other sports as twirling took up all my time. I loved it! I was a successful competitor and the Feature Twirler in college at the University of Nebraska.  I have always been an athlete at heart, but never truly stepped outside of my comfort zone or branched out to do different things.

Once I got older and twirling was no longer a part of my life, other than occasional coaching, I fell into a pretty bad slump. I became lazy and full of excuses. I would work out from time to time, it came and went in spurts, mostly just trying to keep myself looking good. I developed a LOT of bad habits. I was unrecognizable even to myself, and not in the way I looked, but in my attitude.  I was so lost and so down.

 Then this past January I fell into my own brokenness through certain life changing situations that left me feeling defeated in life and worthless, unable to amount to anything. I ended up at Christ's Place Church and a life changing moment occurred. I gave my heart to Christ and began following Him. In this change of heart I began to transform. I no longer made excuses for myself. I began to challenge myself, even when I didn’t want to.

After finishing my first 5k race

It all started with a spur of the moment last minute entry to a St. Patrick ’s Day 5k race in March of this year.  My pregnant friend talked me into doing it with her and gosh I couldn’t say no…she was 5 months pregnant and she was doing it! So I did it…with no real training…just a pair of running shoes I bought and barely used in the past and I finished! I didn't even stop to walk! I felt this rush I had never known, my whole body ached but I was determined and began running on a regular basis. Next, I did another 5k race a month later and then a 10k race, and then another 5k, and I finished them all! Now I was feeling motivated! And through it all Christ was with me providing me with the strength to achieve these goals.

Then I got injured. I was crushed. I had an overuse injury in my knee. I'll be honest, I wanted to quit...easy out, I was injured...perfect excuse...but the fire inside me would not be put out so easily.  Instead of sitting down and pouting about it I changed up my work outs. Can't run everyday? fine... I started riding my old school 5 speed mountain bike 10 miles at a time. Then it occurred to me, my Dad used to do Triathlons, so I just decided that I could too!  I literally woke up one morning and said…yup I am doing it! And I signed up for the Omaha Triathlon Sprint Distance! (this was about 6 weeks prior to the event, definitely on a time crunch for training…but I was determined!)  Then I realized I don’t really know how to swim, another opportunity to find an easy out right? WRONG! I went  bought a race suit, goggles and a swim cap and headed to the nearest YMCA and jumped in the pool. Little did I realize…I am terrified of putting my face in the water and swimming was NOT as easy as I thought it would be. That first attempt sent me packing in tears full of frustration.  I REALLY wanted to throw in the towel this time...really really bad! I had to pray and fight my natural tendency to find an excuse BIG TIME. I forced myself to get in that pool EVERY day for that 6 weeks, got some help from friends to coach me on technique, and every day it totally sucked! But I did it anyway keeping my faith in God to help me face my fears.  Once again...Christ was with me providing me with what I needed to get through these pool workouts, EVERY TIME.

Before I knew it, the big day was here! Time for the Omaha Triathlon! I wasn’t very nervous for the bike or the run because I had done that so many times and was comfortable with the distances, but man o man did that swim terrify me! Just the thought of it sent my stomach flip flopping. I wrote one of my favorite Bible verses on my left hand Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength) I prayed with my best friend right before my wave went and off I went! I was shaking and trembling in fear when I started, this was not easy in my mind or in my body, not one bit. But, in my spirit...I found my strength. My whole entire body wanted to give out, every inch of me tired, exhausted, all my muscles burning, water up my nose, water in my face, oh man water in my face...I HATE water in my face! But i refused to give up, I WOULD NOT QUIT!  That verse on my hand was in my sight line the entire time and I just focused on that, with every breath, with every inch forward that I moved in the water...Christ...it was all about Him, He was with me.  The volunteers in the kayaks stayed close and offered me help numerous times, but i refused and said "nope We got this! I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength!" That half mile seriously felt like TEN miles! And I was pretty much last out of the water, but when I got to shore...oh man when I got to shore... I can't put it into words the feeling of overcoming joy that was inside me! Triumphant! I was triumphant! All I could hear was my best friend yelling "30 minute swim baby!" and I pretty much bawled happy tears all the way to the transition area. 

Then I went off to the bike and it was really hard…that course was incredibly challenging! Might I add that I was not riding the finest of bikes. Just me and my Mt. Fury 5 speed mountain bike! I don't even know how to change the gears, so I just left it on 5 at the hardest resistance and off I went! Next thing I know I am at the turn around point and I couldn’t believe it…I was actually doing it! 6 more miles to go to complete the total of 12 miles on this course and I just kept repeating the lyrics to a song "you make ALL things work together for my good" over and over and over. Then before I knew it I was back in transition off to run. By this point my entire body was in pain. I hurt from head to toe, but I didn't care. I felt like i was flying...no, soaring! People kept shouting "yay! #376 you look strong! Great smile!" I remember thinking to myself...I'm smiling??? I was so overcome with joy I couldn't even tell I was smiling!  Jesus was definitely with me. Once I reached the turnaround point I realized I was really going to do it, and even writing this right now I can't hold back the tears...As I approached the finish line I took a deep breath to stop the outpour of emotion that was about to surface and it occured to me...WOW, again, I don't recognize myself...and I am glad. Who is this woman? Me? Jessie Adcox???I am  about to cross the finish line of a triathlon that I just woke up one day and "decided" to do? DAMN RIGHT I AM! 

When I crossed that finish line…I just paused and went silent, in complete praise to God.  He brought me to this with 100% intent to show me that I indeed am strong and can and WILL do anything with His strength. WOW...resonate in that one for a minute...this wasn't MY idea...I didn't just "decide" to do this...God brought me to it so He could see me through it. AMAZING.  I recall that moment right after I crossed the finish line and the volunteers panicked a little thinking I was in pain and began to motion for me to sit down,  and I just said to them…”no, I am OK, just let me soak this in…I did it…I DID IT! I CAN DO ANYTHING! PRAISE GOD" and one of the females just said, "yes, yes you did...and yes you can. Congratulations!" And then they put the medal around my neck.



My biggest takeaway from the triathlon is that I really can do anything through Christ who gives me strength and I just proved it! No longer am I down on myself or afraid. I am confident and realize that if I am not uncomfortable, then I am not doing enough and I need to stretch myself further.  No longer am I just a twirler who cannot do other sports…I am a triathlete! And this is just the beginning!  I cannot wait to see where God leads me with this! I have said it before and I will say it again...Get uncomfortable and step outside of your box! Challenge yourself physically and thus challenging your spirit and your mind. You will be amazed at the transformation God will create in you, if you only ALLOW Him to.

So let me put this on you, What are you doing today to stretch yourself beyond your limits in order to grow? Are you trusting God to put certain challenges in your life and having that blind faith knowing He will see you through it? Leave a comment or send me an email, would love to hear your stories.

Blessings

XOXO

~Jes

Who do you live for?

Tell me... who do you live for? Such a simple question... or is it?

Do you live for yourself? Your spouse? Your friends? Your family? Do people around you, magazines, social networks like Facebook and Twitter define you? Or how about not even other people but, their opinions? What defines you? Your job? The amount of money you make? The things you own? What kind of car you drive or... what about your past? Does your past define you? What makes you, YOU?
I gotta be honest with you... those questions used to be very VERY painful things to even think about. I suppose mostly because I was so lost that I allowed all those things to define me. Then, even more disgraceful... I became them.

I think the most earth shattering moment for me was when a relationship I was in came to an end. This man who once said he loved me and planned to marry me, dismissed me so easily because "people didn't like me, and he couldn't have a girlfriend people didn't like " he also said I had made too many mistakes, my reputation was ruined, I was a loser, and that it would take a lot longer to "fix" my reputation than it did to destroy it, and he wasn't willing to wait and didn't believe I could. Harsh words to say to another person huh? But what's worse?... what he said to me? Or the fact that I believed it?

The missing part of the story is that I had already fallen into a pattern long before entering that relationship of letting others define who I was. I based my self worth off of what people, mostly men, thought of me. And this led me down a path of picking a LOT of not so good men to spend my time with. After getting lied to, cheated on, and yes, even hit and beat up at times, I allowed myself to believe and even act as if I didn't deserve any better. So who's fault was that?
Mine.
It was mine.
I was not stupid, blind, or naive... I was lazy. And not just lazy... even worse, I was selfish, I wanted control, control of my life. And the funny thing is, the more I tried to control it... the more out of control it became.

See, I knew the answer all along yet I ignored it. I let a man who lied to me, ignored me, treated me like dirt, and was always keeping other options open yet kept me around for rent money and physical needs, tell me who I was and I believed it and let it destroy me... ALMOST.

I fell... I fell hard! And man I'm so glad I did because I landed right in my saviour's arms. He began speaking TRUTH in my life because, I ALLOWED HIM TO! I Finally surrendered to God and began to see clearly for the first time in my life. I realized I was listening to what others said and thought about me and had let those lies take over. I realized God always had bigger better plans for me and I was merely "slumming it" just to feel loved.

What's so awesome is that God has ALWAYS seen me and loved me for who I am even after all those mistakes I made, even after being lazy and selfish, and even after ignoring His truth for so long. I finally am able to look in the mirror, makeup or not, and see that I am beautiful! And why? Because I don't live for myself! I live for Jesus and God defines who I am! NOBODY ELSE!

I sat in the ocean just barely 12 hours ago and as the waves hit my face I just laughed and laughed, I felt so free and full of joy all I could do is laugh. Then I took a deep breath and smiled... I even shed a few happy tears as I looked up to God and just thanked Him for never giving up, for loving me no matter what, and most of all... for defining me. I live for Him. I am loved and so are you!

Now, let me ask you again... who are you and what defines you? Are you allowing your past, your spouse, your possessions, your friends and family, or your job feed you full of lies? Or are you turning to God to get the TRUTH about who you are? Are you leading your life or is He?
If you struggle with this, leave your comments or send an email and let me know.
Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Blackout

Friday, August 24, 2012 at 8:18am Denver Airport

Watching all the couples walk hand in hand throughout the airport kinda makes me jealous a little bit. Then I stop and think and reflect... shocker... that's what I do... and I see myself. Independent strong confident and my only real worry is having to end up using the bathroom on the airplane.

A year ago I couldn't separate my worry from my awake my fears from my sleep and I was in such a dark place it didn't matter how many lights were on or how bright the sun shined... I was trapped in a constant blackout. And the saddest part about it is I put myself there. I abused this glorious thing God gave me called free will and I trapped myself.

Its so funny now... how you can just decide the wrong action chase the empty things expecting them to fill you up and then get pissed at the world and blame your circumstances, make a million excuses, or point your finger at others. But people do it all the time! I did it for years!
You know what the awesome thing about it all is though? Just as simply as you made all those wrong choices...you can make one right choice and light a candle in your blackout.

That choice and that light is Jesus. One you light that candle it begins to burn and grow... I made this choice and now my blackout is a constant burning forest fire full of life! All those bad decisions and mistakes in my past... that's where they are and where they stay... in the past. I'm free of it and loved.

So now after processing all this let me look around this airport again... Yup! Still couple after couple... man so many people in love excited to be going places... and you know what? I'm not jealous... I'm in love too! With Jesus! I'm connected to all these people as we all share this beautiful thing called Love! I challenge you today... where is your darkness level? Are you in a blackout? Or are the lights dimming? What are you chasing to fulfil your needs? Is it just a temporary fix of more emptiness? Or have you found your truth and your light? If not I suggest you do as I did and get a running start and go meet Jesus and let him light your candle!

Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

The Power Of Words

On the way to work this morning I heard something on the radio that really resonated with me…”A persons words, when they truly believe them about you, you also believe them.” It’s funny too because in class last night we were discussing the power of words. So of course I began to feel connected to the topic and began relating deeply and replaying certain situations from my life. I think all too ...often we as humans underestimate the power of our words and our opinions. There are two sides to it, as with everything, a positive and a negative.

Picture this, a man who truly believes a woman is a bad person, unworthy, and un-loved…begins to express these feelings verbally to her. She sees that he believes these things then she also begins to see herself this way. She believes she is un-lovable, worthless, and generally a horrible person. Once you view yourself in such negative light and actually believe what someone else says you can get trapped. Now had he taken the time to come to the root of why he “believes” these things, paused for even a second to look inside himself and then at her before speaking, these powerful words would not have done so much damage.

Now looking at the positive… Picture this, a woman who sees her best friend for her heart, sees the light in her, and sees how she has been hurt by damaging words. She begins to speak the truth to her. Telling her she is worthy, beautiful, a good person, reassures her that she is loved not only by her,  but by the most important person…JESUS! This woman sees how her best friend BELIEVES these things about her and thus begins to believe them too. Then a transformation begins to happen, a woman who once believed herself to be no better than the scum on the bottom of a rock begins to see herself as a light as bright as the sun.

I can’t stress it enough people! WORDS ARE POWERFUL! Be mindful, be thoughtful, and seek after the truth and understanding before opening your mouth. Love like Jesus and rid yourself of any and ALL VAMPIRES in your life speaking damaging words to you.

Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Stuck In The Mud

You know how we all have those songs that make us think of past times, or sometimes those stingy songs that remind us of failed past relationships?

Well, one of those songs came on the radio this morning while I was getting ready for work.  I immediately thought of two past relationships that were not so good. What surprised me was how I did not follow my usual pattern of replaying every move I made and racking my brain to figure out what went wrong.  See this is an old habit of mine and I used to get so "stuck in the mud" with this pattern of self-blame..."it was all my fault, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't strong enough" then that pit of the stomach feeling would turn to tears and I would be as I said..."stuck in the mud"

What I have realized over the past few months is that the one mistake I did make was that Jesus was not at the center of my heart.  Once I accepted Christ as my end all be all, my perspective on all of these things changed.

One of the most important was, that if I don't have a man in my life who also sees and believes that Christ is the foundation...they are not going to treat me right, and it is not a place where God desires me to be and I will end up "stuck in the mud" again. Let's face it...another human being is just that...human...they are not perfect and won't love you perfectly. They will let you down.  But as a pair if the center is the perfect love of Jesus there is a common "safe" ground for both people to lean on during those times of "humanness".

The other very important thing I learned was that I don't NEED a man in my life. Of course it would be nice but it's not up to me and it's all about God's timing and if he blesses me in that way. Until then...Jesus is the only man I need. I think too many women get so caught up in trying to attract a man, have a man, and keep a man...I know I used to... and what they don't realize is they already have a man! Jesus is already there! I used to be one of those girls...how does that saying go "looking for love in all the wrong places"...That was me! But not anymore.

So this morning when "God Bless The Broken Road" came on the radio I rose out of the mud and thanked God for the broken road that led me to Jesus.

Have you ever been stuck in the mud? What lies at the center of your heart? Leave a comment or send an email.

Blessings!

XOXO

~Jes

To Change or not to Change...THAT is the question!

I AM CHANGED



My baptism 1/29/12 most important "Change" moment in my life



Today I was thinking about CHANGE...man I used to fear that word and everything associated with it. To CHANGE meant to get uncomfortable and step outside my box.  The thing is, my box used to contains items such as, laziness, excuses, bad habits, poor decision making, and a bunch of darkness.  Isn’t it funny how that box did not contain anything good but it seemed easier to stay put? I have been told that people don’t change until they get uncomfortable enough with their current situation that they are forced to change.  Even bad things can seem more comfortable but only because you get used to it.  Soon you are living in a vicious cycle of darkness feeding darkness and bad feeding bad; but hey to change means to challenge yourself and step  out of your zone. In order to do that it would take effort! Why not wait until you have no choice but to move in a different direction because you are so dang miserable? So why even try…right?  WRONG!

My most favorite thing now is to feel uncomfortable. I learned that if I am facing my fears and challenging myself into a positive direction it is not going to feel good at first.  In fact, in most cases, it just plain sucks…a LOT. But the end result is so triumphant and glorious! Knowing I overcame something is one of the biggest joys in my life!

For example…I recently took up swimming, and no not for the joy of the water.  See, I had this grand idea to sign up for a triathlon.  Very quickly I realized that not sinking and moving from point A to point B in the water is not at all the same thing as swimming.  Not only that…I am terrified of the water and the whole act of swimming itself…I have no idea why but it just freaks me out. I get water up my nose, I choke, I think I am gonna drown, and I do not like it one bit! I am there most every day feeling EXTREMELY uncomfortable, snorting up water, choking, exhausting myself, and let me tell you, it’s so scary…every time! But I do it anyway! And guess what? I am actually swimming! I am definitely not at any kind of Olympic caliber swimmer but…I will be completing my first Sprint Triathlon next weekend, and I will have my glorious moment when I cross the finish line! And I would not be having that moment had I listened to my initial fears the day I walked away from the pool in tears afraid. Had I not gone back the very next day and made myself do it and then sought out help from friends,  I would have walked right back into that dang old “box of darkness.” But I refused to feed my fears and lock myself back in that box and decided to overcome it instead.

This is just one recent example…CHANGE is CONSTANT and in all areas of life. And I think it is important that you know, I did not do this alone and I certainly do not deserve all the credit here.  It is by the grace of God and his Divine appointments in my life that,  not only did I step outside of the “box of darkness” and into the light of the TRUTH...But I don’t even live in a box anymore.  I am free! Full of light and joy and it is all because of God! He gave me the strength to CHANGE…what an amazing GLORIOUS THING! CHANGE…man I love that word.  Because to change means to grow and to grow means to overcome and to overcome means immense joy! So I say to you…if you fear change or prefer comfort over joy…don’t just step into it and accept it, anyone can accept change and say they are ok with it…but to me that is still staying in your box….GET UNCOMFORTABLE!  TACKLE CHANGE…FACE IT…REVEL IN ITS DISCOMFORT AND OVERCOME ALL THAT IS HOLDING YOU BACK! I did! So can you!

Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

No Excuses

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself and to other people is that I used to have 100 excuses for everything I did wrong or did not do.  This was also one of the hardest habits to break. But I got nowhere until I took a hard look in the mirror and admitted to myself first, that I was being lazy in life, making excuses, and allowing myself to be afraid.  I took ownership for my faults. Once I did that I was open to change and able take action. 

See, I got very accustomed to using “medical issues” as reasons to not do things. I had convinced myself that if it was a “medical issue” it was a 100% valid excuse.  Now, I use quotations around the words “medical issues” for a reason, 99.9% of the time the medical issue either did not exist or was only holding me back because I let it. I became very afraid of anything that challenged my physical and sometimes mental wellbeing.  I wouldn’t do yard work BECAUSE…my allergies were too bad;  I wouldn’t go exercise or run BECAUSE I could get injured; I wouldn’t enter relationships BECAUSE I could get my heart broken.  BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE!!!! Oh just that word alone makes my blood boil, it’s like a forward to an excuse.  So what is the underlying problem here? I think it’s a tie between pure laziness and fear.  WOW! Do I want to live my life being a lazy scared person? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Let me ask you the same question…do you want to live your life being a lazy scared person?

I think back even to my childhood and the book “The Little Engine That Could”.  The famous line from that story is “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”  For me, even that is lazy…. How about “I KNOW I CAN, I WILL! I KNOW I CAN, I WILL!”

Looking in the mirror and realizing, hey my s*** really does stink, was the hardest thing I ever did.  So, do you want to know how I did it? It’s easier than you think…. I fell to my knees and opened my heart to Christ.  When I realized He loves me no matter what, all my excuses and laziness included, I was able to face the truths about myself.  Again, I reiterate this was not easy to do at first, I fell…I fell HARD. But Christ was right there to catch me and to put the broken pieces together.  He gave me the strength to face my own fears and rejections. All I had to do was be bold enough to rip that Band-Aid off and expose it to myself and know that I need not be ashamed and that I can change and transform myself into a new person who does not make excuses.  My favorite verse in the Bible is 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.”

Ok, this sounds so pretty and easy once you get to this point right? Wrong! It takes a LOT of follow up work.  I had to physically and mentally start challenging myself out of my comfort zone and face my fears.  I made a list of all the things I have always wanted to do and have taken action to start crossing them off. I mowed my first lawn knowing my allergies will probably be bothered and guess what…they were, I sneezed my head off…but it didn’t kill me, I was fine.  I started running and entered my first 5k race, then my first 10k race and I finished them both! And guess what…I got injured! But did I sit down and pout and use it as reason to not continue training and being active? NOPE I got more motivated….got runners knee? Ok…I’ll train for a triathlon and alternate my workouts.  So, I decided to enter my first Triathlon! The best part about this is that I did not realize how terrified I am of the water and swimming, I wanted to give up and use that as an excuse to not compete…but guess what? I had my first swim lesson two days ago, and it was hard and I am still scared, but it will not stop me.  I will get in the pool over and over and over and it will suck over and over and over. BUT I have Christ with me to help me through and I know I can do it.  I have yet to enter a romantic relationship for God has not blessed me in that way, however I am open and ready for when and if He does.  In the mean time I am married to God and he is the only man I need.

Let me re-iterate here, stop making excuses! Live a life chanting “I know I can, I will”! Take a look in that mirror today and like Michael Jackson said…”make that change”. But most importantly, let Christ help you thorough it, he wants your brokenness, your fears, and your excuses.  He will yield them into wondrous things if you just TRUST in Him.  

Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

It has been a while since I wrote this post, the picture above is Me right after the finish of my Triathlon. Philippians 4:13 I can do anything in Christ, who gives me strength...And so can you!