Resentment...what is holding you back?

So the other day I was informed that my ex boyfriend is getting married next month. We ended our relationship about 10 months ago and to say the least... it wasn't a very pretty process. In fact I have carried this burden around for the past 10 months all the while claiming "I don't care... he was never good enough for me anyways". But when I heard that news my heart sank, I even had to hold back tears. I couldn't figure out why this was bothering me so much...I mean I truthfully AM better off and happy now but yet I found myself bawling in the bathroom at work ALL DAY! I just couldn't figure it out... so I just prayed and prayed.

See... we humans are so funny and foolish; especially after breakups and conflicts in any relationship. Our pride becomes the center and all else revolves around it. Think about it...you start with the name calling, putting the other person down...why? To make yourself feel better. You relive all the hurtful things they did to you... why? Because it's easier to remember the pain, and hate the person so that you can convince yourself that you are indeed.. better off and better than.

This is what I have been doing for the past 10 months. All of it... I just wanted to be right and him to be wrong so I did all that, over and over and over. I was hurting and thought it made me feel better...but I was wrong. I found myself battling with this rather frequently and would end up in church and a song or the message would strike a nerve, I would cry and pray and give it to God... and then I would feel better...for a while. Then it would sneak back up on me and I was right back there again, name calling, reliving, blaming, and lying to myself claiming to "be over it". It was like the invisible rock in your shoe... you feel it, you take your shoe off, shake it out, put it back on... rock gone and you keep on walking. Then you wear those shoes like three more times and all of a sudden, there is that darn rock again! And you swear you shook it out!

That rock represents resentment for me. In this particular situation I was so caught up in my own pride and need to want to be right and look better, that I was completely blowing over the real issue and source of my pain. It was seemingly easier to hate my ex and think and talk bad about him than it was to just realize how much better off we both are and to just be happy for him. Regardless of what happened in our relationship, or who was right, or who was wrong...I was just missing the whole point and spending all my energy hating someone when I should be loving and forgiving them.

Why should i love and forgive someone who busted my heart into a million pieces you ask? I say why not? I spent 10 months resenting someone and in one single moment of prayer when i decided to love him and be happy for him and his soon to be wife...then and only then was I FINALLY free and healed from it!

As I have said so many times before...it's just not about me. And Love is and always should be the only way. Jesus loves me and THAT is what REALLY matters. All that other junk only drags you down and prevents you from knowing and feeling real true love.

Who are you mad at today? What are you hanging onto? Did somebody do you wrong and does it make you feel better to think and speak ill of them? People don't! Just don't! LOVE everyone like Jesus and pray for those who have hurt you.

I wasted 10 months on resentment and found myself on the bathroom floor at work FINALLY realizing all I had to do was love them, be happy for them, praise God for always knowing better than I, and fully trust his agenda and plan. I should have faith that no matter how butt hurt I get when things don't go my way or when people hurt me...it's all real simple...IT'S NOT ABOUT ME... and resentment gets me nowhere but down.

If you are struggling with this. Pray. Be honest with yourself and with God and pray for that person, let it go... dig into that shoe and hand pick the rock out... don't just shake it out and assume and hope it's gone... get real with yourself and make a conscious decision to love. It will set you free! It did for me.

Leave a comment or send an email if you have thoughts or stories of resentment to share. Would love to hear about it.

Blessings

XOXO

Jes

Job 5:2

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Ephesians 4:31,32

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.