Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.
[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]
[laughs]
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.
Not only is The Lion King one of my all-time favorite movies, to the point that my millennium quote in my senior High School yearbook stated that, the single most impacting moment of the millennium was indeed... when Lion King came out on video. But this particular conversation means so much more to me than just a funny moment in a cartoon movie.
“It doesn’t matter, It’s in the past” such a simple statement, and how true. But do you really get it? Do you understand what that means? It is not just some random statement to not care about what you have done or what the consequences of your mistakes are. Do you get what this REALLY means? This leads me to another question…do you know Jesus? It is my belief that if you do not know Jesus that you don’t truly know yourself. I speak from experience. Until I met Jesus and accepted Him in my heart I did not know myself. See, things in this world can damage a person. They damaged me. Haunting memories of my past mistakes led me to believe I was unworthy and did not deserve to be loved. I honestly believed that each time I messed up, I received a “bad-girl” notch in my "headboard of life". I believed I was “damaged goods” and hated myself. You ever feel that way? You ever do something so out of the ordinary and then consume yourself with so much hatred that you couldn’t even look in the mirror? I have. I admit it. I am human and I made a LOT of mistakes in my life.
I remember one in particular; it didn’t happen too long ago either. See, I was desperately “in love”(I put in love in quotations because I was not really in love, I had no idea what real love was at this point in my life) with someone who treated me bad and strung me along. He treated me like a yo-yo and I let him. I got myself into this situation and for all the wrong reasons. I was looking desperately for love and let myself believe that my self-worth was in this man’s approval of me. Without him and his love, I wasn’t good enough. Sick way of thinking isn’t it? Oh and trust me, my best friend told me time and time again that I deserved more and better but I wouldn’t believe it. So I chased after this relationship and this person trying to fulfill this void and need for approval. One night via text he told me that it was over, for like the 20th time that month and I would not accept that decision over a text. So what did I do? I went over un-invited to his house. He wouldn’t let me in so, my desperation led me to believe climbing his balcony was the answer. Yes, I climbed his balcony expecting to get in somehow and that if he just saw me, and saw how much I loved him, THEN he will love me back! Well, he didn’t…in fact he called the cops on me and told me that I was insane and crazy. Luckily I didn’t get into any trouble; they just took me to my friend’s house. Boy oh boy what a night that was! My best friend held me while I shivered with self-hatred and lay on her floor as tears streamed out my eyes endlessly. I kept replaying the decisions I made that night over and over and over in my head, and immediately started working a plan in my head to prove myself better, to prove I wasn’t as he said, “crazy and insane”, somehow, someway, I was going to earn my worth. The story didn’t end there I got sucked back into that relationship for about another month or two and inevitably got told in the end I wasn’t good enough and he had found someone better, someone not crazy…someone that wouldn’t climb his balcony in the middle of the night. I can’t begin to tell you how bad that stung. All I could do was repeat the mistakes I made, especially that night, over and over and over in my head. I blamed myself and I believed I was what he said “crazy and insane”, and a hopeless lost cause. You know, I almost did not write about this night, I hesitated for just a minute, afraid all of you would think I was just crazy as well. But I have to tell you…being able to admit my wrongs is the most freeing thing I have ever done. And here is why…
The conversation between Rafiki and Simba is so right on the money. What have you been running from? What is it about your past that haunts you so much you are afraid to face it? Do you ever just wish you could wipe your slate clean and start all over? I used to be the queen of second chances; “im sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry” well, guess what? Sorry isn’t good enough…when your heart is not right. Finally understanding what it meant to repent and actually be sorry to God in my heart, and allow Christ to wipe the slate clean for me freed me from the burden of all my past mistakes. I don’t have to feel bad or embarrassed about any of it…IT DOESN’T MATTER IT’S IN THE PAST!
The most important part of this is that not only did I repent…I walked away from it all and began a new life, a new story. I’ll never forget Pastor Bruce Riddle’s words to me during my baptism “you are part of a new story Jes, it’s all new and all that junk is left in the past, you are part of a new story” ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I can still hear his voice…what a real true moment in time when I really, really, finally understood what peace is. My past does not haunt me anymore. In fact, I laugh at my “spidey powers” now.
I know I will still have moments of poor judgment; after all, I am human. But those moments are far and few between, as I am thinking and seeing much clearer now. My focus is not on living for me and my wants and needs, its all about Christ and living for Him. Now that I KNOW Jesus and have a relationship with him, I know myself...and my REAL worth. Not what a guy I made the mistake of dating says about me, but what God says about me...
Now I converse with God daily, and through the blood of Jesus I am clean of everything in my past. And in the future, when (not if, but WHEN) I make mistakes...I won't end up on my best friend's floor shivering in regret. Not ever again. I asked God to change my heart...and he did. And I didn't even have to EARN it. God freely gives me his grace even though I do not deserve it. Amazing isn't it?!
Where is your heart today? Are you burdened from your past mistakes and running from them? Or are you admitting them, learning from them, and free of them through Jesus? Leave a comment or if you would like to chat more in depth send me an email. Would love to talk to you about it!
Blessings
XOXO
~Jes
Psalm 51:2
Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!
Hebrews 8:12
For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more.
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