Happy New Year INDEED!

Here we go...yet another year. Naturally as we all do this time every year we begin to reflect on the year past as well as look into the year ahead. We make resolutions, try to be better do better, lose weight, lie less...etc. Well, I am just about truly speechless as I am  in awe of the change that has occurred this past year in my life.  A year ago I would have never imagined what my life is today.  I think about how I went from a girl too afraid to step into the unknown and clinging to so many dark things trying to find happiness and completely transformed into a woman of God who makes a habit of being uncomfortable just in order to grow and is clinging to light and truth for happiness. And its almost unfathomable how different my life is. I'm not trying to toot my own horn here...I do not deserve the credit. All credit goes to God. All I did was allow for him to create this change in me. I am far from perfect but as i have said before, I am definitely better, and happy...really happy! Not just the fake it til you make it happy either...really happy.

Then I begin to think about the people still struggling in the darkness. still clinging to men, other's opinions, addictions, etc to find happiness and I wish I could make it easier for them. I kind of have a habit of being a little "in your face" at times about the TRUTH.  See for me I was caudaled so much of my life that once I "figured it out" it became really black and white for me. I realized I actually have a choice whether to be in the light or mope in the darkness. Once I let go of the control and gave it to God to handle...it was like boom! darkness gone! Now this doesn't mean I haven't struggled or will not struggle in the future...I am human, life happens and most of the time it doesn't go the way I would like it to.  In fact it's usually in those moments when it doesn't go my way that I really learn how much better God's plan for my life is than the one I had hoped for and laid out in my mind.  It never fails, His love never fails and every time I come to a crossroads in life he proves this to me.

A year ago I was a sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love, I was lazy, full of excuses, chasing all the wrong relationships, I was self-centered, and motivated by this concept of the world revolving around me. I really had no concern for anyone but myself and only cared about the things that I "thought" made me happy, that I "thought" I needed, and I would stop at nothing and mow over anyone I had to in order to get my way.  I had my life planned out.. but I never really saw past myself. Me...Me...Me. it was just all about Jessie all of the time.

My brother at his graduation party. 

My step mom Shelly told me a story this past Christmas, a story about a girl who threw a graduation party for her brother. She said she watched this girl sit and wait for each and every guest, greeted them, made sure they signed the book, made sure they knew where the food was, what tables to sit at, and just overall was a girl of poise, grace, and nothing but concern for the others at this party to ensure her brother and his guests were having a good time. She said this girl was not the same girl she knew a year ago. She said this girl was me. I of course bawled like a baby hearing this (total perfect Mom-Daughter moment) And I thought back...and it was me. I didn't even realize it! And that was the beauty of it. Such a seemingly small gesture to most...throwing a party for my brother...but yet so simply and truthfully a perfect example of how God has changed me. I was the last person I thought about that night. It was not about me at all. It was about everyone else, and man that felt good. Especially since I didn't even think about it...it just happened naturally. This is just one small example of many.

But the whole point i am making (or trying to make) here is that it all started with God. Once I made that commitment and began to die to my flesh and let the spirit fill me and lead my life THAT is when change really started to happen. Yes I made the conscious choice to die to the flesh...but it is in allowing God to change me that i was set free. I know that everyone has their own process, their own way and road of hurting, healing, grieving, and working through life's challenges. But if I could encourage all those at the crossroads to just take a leap of faith as I did and make that choice to let God lead you, I promise you...you will too see positive change in your life.

See...I was a sad sad girl, convinced I was unworthy of any love and more comfortable laying in my pool of sadness. But I made that choice to not just tread that water anymore and began to swim to the light...and you can to...you have the choice. So start swimming my friends!
 Happy New Year! And a VERY special thank you to all my friends and family, my church family and staff, and especially my best friend who has had an abundance of patience and my sole support through all the years of treading water as well as this past year while I swam! Kendra Tucker...My life would not be the same without you. I love you girl! Cheers to the New Year and CHEERS to you and all you have accomplished this past year... I am oh so proud of you and honored to call you my best friend!

As always please leave a comment or send an email of your own stories. Would love to hear them. Happy New Year! and many blessings to you all! May 2013 Trump the heck out of 2012! Make that choice...and it sure will...Promise!

Do yourself a favor and go "run in the snow"

Have you ever stopped and thought about how celebratory we are as humans? Especially "FIRSTS" think about it.... FIRST wedding anniversaries, FIRST birthdays, milestones such as the FIRST year of sobriety, FIRST year at a new job, or FIRST year living on your own away from your parents. Tomorrow I celebrate a FIRST I never thought I would come to. 

It was a year ago I was desperately trying to hang onto a relationship that for so many reasons just was not right. Yet I was doing everything in my power to "save" and "fix" it. We had gone out on a date and after it was over I cried myself to sleep and begged God to save me, save "us".   And boy did he answer! Just not in the way I had wanted or planned. Ever notice that more often than not, God answers our prayers just not in the way we wanted him to? But every time it ends up even better than we had planned in our heads? I went to bed praying for God to save me and to fix "us" expecting to wake up with some glorious revelation of how we were going to live happily ever after together forever and it was all just going to be ok. I was working off my own agenda and thought I knew what was best for me. Then in perfect God fashion the relationship ended, and I thought I had lost it all and would never survive. In fact if I would have been on the outside and able to place a bet on myself at that given moment...I would have bet against me. I would have bet that I would self destruct and inevitably most likely die. See I used to view things such as men and sex as maps to guide my pride into believing I was indeed worth a damn. So yes I would have bet against me. 

So getting back to the part where God saved me but not in the way I wanted or planned...See when the relationship ended I thought my world had ended too, but little did I know it was just about to begin.  I made the decision to let God have control of my life and accept Jesus as my savior and this past year has been one heck of a roller coaster ride that I wouldn't change for anything.  In just one year I have gone from the girl looking for love in all the wrong places to the girl who has been pure for a solid year.  I'll say it again, I would have bet against me and I am proud to say I would have lost! That is the amazing thing about God, he is so good at taking a mess and creating a masterpiece! 

I want you to know I am not perfect in any way and the road itself has not been perfect either. It has actually been probably the roughest road I have ever traveled. A lot like running in the snow. Tonight in spite of the snowy weather I decided to go run outside anyways. It was crazy how some sidewalks were perfectly clean and dry, then some where spotty and icy, and some were not even shoveled and I was running through HUGE snow drifts, twisting my ankles barely moving forward and almost falling down. But I finished... I was a little more worn out than usual but I finished. And I finished because I was centered, focused, and intentional. That's how life is. If you are centered, focused and intentional about God...he will get you through the runs in the snow...or in other words the rough roads of life.  I never thought I would make it on my own, or without a man and today I may not be perfect but I am definitely better. Better and truly happy. 

So, many people are saying the world is going to end tomorrow and for me...its beginning all over again. I hit a year..one whole year of purity, a year of not only surviving but striving. And I have only just begun! Although life may present its many challenges, I look forward to many more "runs in the snow" and many more times where God proves his agenda to be better than my own.  All it took was that first step towards God. People let me encourage you to take that step, do not place bets against yourself, instead let go of the control and go run in the snow! Stay focused, centered and intentional about God and He WILL see you through to the end. 

Are you struggling or reaching a milestone of your own? As always please leave a comment or send me an email with your stories, would love to hear them. 

Blessings and Merry Christmas!
XOXO 
Jessie

100% FAITH!!!!

So...a moment of honesty... I think I was waiting to write this particular subject matter so that once again I could share a moment of trial and then reveal some big awesome "ah ha! look how awesome it ended up turning out" moment for you all. Seems to be a pattern recently that I am thrown with life trials leading me into the unknown outcome of the, oh so pleasant waiting and trust game.

Faith...100% faith.  what does that look like to you?

For me... I think I am finally actually realizing how legit it is...to have complete 100% faith in God that it will all work out and he will provide. Here's the deal... I lost my job a couple weeks ago. I wish I could tell you that I was like OK! no worries! God is awesssssooooome! And then went jumping and prancing in fields of flowers with joy knowing everything was going to be OK. It wasn't, not at first. When I first got the news I had quite the "WWF Battle of Voices"going on in my head.

One voice said:  "there is more for you out in the world, trust me I will carry you through these hard times just trust me."

The other voice said:  "see you are a loser, you cannot keep a job, you have no money, you will never amount to anything."

I had to make a conscious choice on which voice to listen to. I had to overcome my natural tendency to lean to the bad outcome and look at the good.  I of course chose the good and began to faithfully trust God.

Adcox -made special race gear

I automatically assumed..sweeet! it will all work out so smoothly now i just have to beliiiieeeveee!!!!! yet it seems like it has actually been one thing after another! I signed up for a 15K race that took place last Sunday. Me and my best friend were tackling another "crazy why not do it Adcox goal" together.  This would be the farthest either of us had ever ran. I made special outfits for us it was gonna be so awesome!!!!! And with the new found extra time on my hands I was able to take my training up a notch, and was so totally stoked at how easy it was. This was gonna be the BEST RACE EVER! Then I got sick, and before I knew it I was at the doctor's office, and the entire week prior to the race I was unable to train. I refused to get discouraged, took care of my body took my medicine no big deal right? But, then the night before the race I just couldn't sleep. I was struggling with the recent death of a friend and just couldn't sleep.  By the time the morning came I had only one hour of sleep and I was faced again with another decision. What a great excuse, I have been sick all week, haven't had any sleep, made sense to go back to bed and sleep rather than go to church and sing in choir. then came the voices again...

One voice said: "trust me I will carry you through it and prove you can do all things through me. I will give you strength..go to church you need to be there"

the other voice said: "ahhh screw church the race is more important you need sleep go back to bed, in fact forget the race just get some sleep you are sick after all."

One text later from my best friend reminding me of my own advice "no excuses" I was in the shower getting ready for church. And man am I glad I did! it was an amazing rejuvenating experience I definitely needed. and when we sang the words "you make all things work together for my good" I just knew, I knew I was going to be OK and I also knew that I fully 100% believed it and really understood what it meant to have this unending, never failing faith.

Kendra and me after finishing the 15K race!

I went on to finish the 15K race with my best friend, together we triumphed and smashed another goal. Once again all the odds were against me; I was sick, un-rested, and let me tell you I did not feel well one bit, my mind was going a million miles a minute with all the other "stuff" going on trying to distract me, but with God and his strength I got through it.  And not just scraping by, I got through it...with joy...the whole time me and Kendra were praying for each other and singing at the top of our lungs "B B B B Bennie and the Jettttsssss" It was one of those experiences you can't make up and will never forget. I wasn't even sore the next day and even ran another 5K race two days later. And I almost missed out on all of it. I am so thankful for the right voices and friends like Kendra to remind me to listen to them.

Most of all what I took away from this experience relates back to my current job situation. If I can achieve a goal like that with so many obstacles in my way then I can certainly handle not having a job, eating potatoes for dinner for the 3rd time this week and being short on money.  You may be thinking, how does that even compare??? Well its easy, see when I wanted to give up I didn't, I trusted God and he saw me through.  Just as he will now. So yes I will eat my potatoes, and I will smile, and sing and dance around my apartment not knowing what my future holds, where I am going to end up career wise, if I will be able to pay my bills, or even if I will have food to eat tomorrow. I KNOW it will all work out and this is temporary. 

My favorite line from the songs we sang last weekend is "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning." bring it on night...can't wait for the morning! And in the mean time I will smile through the pain.  I 100% Trust God with it all and I know he will provide! After all...what good does crying about it do? I have had the best couple weeks of my life, that very well could be looked at as the worst couple weeks. I lost my job, i got sick, a friend died...heavy stuff...yet I chose. I do not worry and I am unafraid! The one and only thing getting me through each day and maintaining my joy is God.

I will stay diligent and continue to apply for jobs, take my medicine until it's gone, work through my grief process regarding my friend, and do all the necessary things that are in my power to control. There is no room for lazy. but the things that I cannot control...let them come and let them go. After all, it's God's plan not mine and I know and 100% believe that no matter what, He will take care of me. Doesn't seem like a fight now does it? Just  a ride i have the pleasure of being on. Man life is so good.

what challenge are you facing today? Are you worried about the simple things in life that you can't control or are you spending your energy following the right voices and having that 100% FAITH in life that no matter what God will provide? Let me encourage you today if you are not...step back and pray...listen to the right voice and most of all TRUST it. 
leave a comment or send me an email with your stories. would love to hear from you.

Blessings!

XOXO

Jessie

Psalms 13:5 
But I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

Proverbs 28:26 
He that trusts in his own heart is a fool: but whoever walks wisely, he shall be delivered.

Resentment...what is holding you back?

So the other day I was informed that my ex boyfriend is getting married next month. We ended our relationship about 10 months ago and to say the least... it wasn't a very pretty process. In fact I have carried this burden around for the past 10 months all the while claiming "I don't care... he was never good enough for me anyways". But when I heard that news my heart sank, I even had to hold back tears. I couldn't figure out why this was bothering me so much...I mean I truthfully AM better off and happy now but yet I found myself bawling in the bathroom at work ALL DAY! I just couldn't figure it out... so I just prayed and prayed.

See... we humans are so funny and foolish; especially after breakups and conflicts in any relationship. Our pride becomes the center and all else revolves around it. Think about it...you start with the name calling, putting the other person down...why? To make yourself feel better. You relive all the hurtful things they did to you... why? Because it's easier to remember the pain, and hate the person so that you can convince yourself that you are indeed.. better off and better than.

This is what I have been doing for the past 10 months. All of it... I just wanted to be right and him to be wrong so I did all that, over and over and over. I was hurting and thought it made me feel better...but I was wrong. I found myself battling with this rather frequently and would end up in church and a song or the message would strike a nerve, I would cry and pray and give it to God... and then I would feel better...for a while. Then it would sneak back up on me and I was right back there again, name calling, reliving, blaming, and lying to myself claiming to "be over it". It was like the invisible rock in your shoe... you feel it, you take your shoe off, shake it out, put it back on... rock gone and you keep on walking. Then you wear those shoes like three more times and all of a sudden, there is that darn rock again! And you swear you shook it out!

That rock represents resentment for me. In this particular situation I was so caught up in my own pride and need to want to be right and look better, that I was completely blowing over the real issue and source of my pain. It was seemingly easier to hate my ex and think and talk bad about him than it was to just realize how much better off we both are and to just be happy for him. Regardless of what happened in our relationship, or who was right, or who was wrong...I was just missing the whole point and spending all my energy hating someone when I should be loving and forgiving them.

Why should i love and forgive someone who busted my heart into a million pieces you ask? I say why not? I spent 10 months resenting someone and in one single moment of prayer when i decided to love him and be happy for him and his soon to be wife...then and only then was I FINALLY free and healed from it!

As I have said so many times before...it's just not about me. And Love is and always should be the only way. Jesus loves me and THAT is what REALLY matters. All that other junk only drags you down and prevents you from knowing and feeling real true love.

Who are you mad at today? What are you hanging onto? Did somebody do you wrong and does it make you feel better to think and speak ill of them? People don't! Just don't! LOVE everyone like Jesus and pray for those who have hurt you.

I wasted 10 months on resentment and found myself on the bathroom floor at work FINALLY realizing all I had to do was love them, be happy for them, praise God for always knowing better than I, and fully trust his agenda and plan. I should have faith that no matter how butt hurt I get when things don't go my way or when people hurt me...it's all real simple...IT'S NOT ABOUT ME... and resentment gets me nowhere but down.

If you are struggling with this. Pray. Be honest with yourself and with God and pray for that person, let it go... dig into that shoe and hand pick the rock out... don't just shake it out and assume and hope it's gone... get real with yourself and make a conscious decision to love. It will set you free! It did for me.

Leave a comment or send an email if you have thoughts or stories of resentment to share. Would love to hear about it.

Blessings

XOXO

Jes

Job 5:2

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Ephesians 4:31,32

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.

Priorities

 What's on your priority list? Or better yet WHO is on your list? Have you ever felt like you were last on someones list? So who's wrong? Them for neglecting you, or is it you for making them a priority when maybe they shouldn't be? Do you over extend yourself and give too much out; then never have enough for yourself or the people closest to you who need it most? Do you spend more time on Facebook and social media then you do with God, your family, or closest friends? Have you run out of things to talk about with your best friend because, they have already read your life on status updates? Where is your energy going and your time being spent... where are your priorities?

"Oh yeah! I know... I already saw that on Facebook."

That used to be the center of too many conversations with me and my best friend. Kendra, my best friend, is like a sister to me and I remember the days when I had a pager and carried payphone money around. Then, if she paged me I would have to make the effort and call her. This usually warranted for face to face time which included some of the best in-depth discussions about nothing and everything. How did that get replaced by "oh yeah... I already saw that on Facebook?”  And evenings on the couch not talking to each other, but instead, on our phones trolling through other people's lives. 

Priorities. That's how.

Now... I'm not saying Facebook and social media is a bad thing, I'm not... but I do believe it has a tendency to replace some much needed REAL human interaction. That is IF you don't have your properties straight. See, I didn't. And I was spending too much time social networking that I didn't feel like I was living in the real world anymore. Sounds so crazy huh? But it happens so easily if you don't have your priorities straight.

Me and Kendra both realized that social media usage had become too much of a priority in our lives. So we decided to do a 30 day fast of it and see what happened. I have to tell you, it has been the most glorious 30 days of my life.  I was impressed at how much more often me and Kendra actually talked to each other and how much less distracted our time together was. No more did we have our phones in hand at every turn. We spend quality time together like best friends should.  I also noticed an increase in my relations with ALL my friends and family.  We HAD to communicate with each other, they couldn’t just log onto the blue page and get caught up. To get in touch with me you would have to text me, email me, or better yet call me.  I had forgotten how nice it was to just have a phone conversation. So much that I hesitated to go back to Facebook, and had even become pretty overzealous in saying I never would.  Part of me doesn’t really want to, but then I realized that it is MY fault that social media became such a nuisance and that I had to re-align my priorities and not ALLOW it to be such a distraction. 

One way I have learned to keep my priorities in check is the “Lego” theory.  Let me break it down for you.

For example:

A Lego has SIX pegs. So, on each peg I have one priority.

2) Peg one is reserved for my future husband, and in the meantime I spend time in prayer with God that he guard my heart until the right person he has made for me comes along.
3) Peg two is reserved for my family.
4) Peg three reserved for my ministry.
5) Peg four is for my training and working out.
6) Peg five is reserved for my other close personal friends; it’s kind of a revolving door of time spent between 3-4 different buddies.
7) Peg six is reserved for my work. 

And of course the "Lego" itself sits in Jesus’s hands, as He is the center of everything.

See, there is only so much room on my Lego and those spots are like VIP/Priority....  anyone else, especially Vampires (people who suck the life out of you) they have my love because I choose to love like Jesus, but they are not on my Lego. Therefore not taking priority in my life and preventing me from over promising myself and getting overwhelmed, or allowing vampires in.  I am able to fill my life with light and truth and not darkness and lies.  You noticed that I numbered my pegs 2-7 didn’t you? That’s because my number ONE is and always will be God. He is bigger than my Lego.

My dad always tells me it takes 30 days to make something a habit. So for 30 days I “fasted” Facebook. And it amazed me at how much this simple act of obedience helped me in re-aligning ALL my priorities in life.  Not just in wasting time on things such as social media but just how I look at human interaction as a whole.  And most importantly, making God my number ONE priority at all times with all things.

Where is your time being spent? What are your priorities in life? Perhaps you need a re-alignment as I did? Leave a comment, or send an email would love to hear your thoughts!

Blessings

XOXO

Jes

Romans 12:2 ESV

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect

Matthew 6:33 NIV

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Are you letting your JOY be stolen?

I don't normally like to discuss my health issues. Funny, because it used to be the center of every conversation I had. I realized not too long ago that this was a tactic for attention and have since made a conscious effort to break this habit. But today I'm stepping out of that but not for attention.... I will say it once, do not pity me or feel sorry for me. The details I am about to share are for a greater purpose and have nothing to do with me.

In order for you to understand why this has nothing to do with me, first I need to describe what I have been going through. I'm gonna be real straight here too... I have some serious gastrointestinal problems. I'm not just talking about a little tummy ache either. I have what has been diagnosed as Fructose Malabsorbtion. Never heard of it huh? Neither did I until 2 months ago. Basically, my body doesn't absorb fructose so it sits in my intestine and ferments. This releases a bunch of gasses and causes some extreme symptoms. I'm talking serious pain, discomfort, bloating, altered body image issues, constipation, and diarrhea...to name a few. I'm learning now that a lot of my past "complaints" may be linked to this as well.

Let me paint a picture for you... and I apologize in advance for the boldness in this description for those of you like me that don't even like the word poop... I'm sorry but it is what it is. When I say bloating I'm talking HUGE like I look pregnant, seriously... no exaggeration. And try not pooping for days at a time... like 5 or 6 days and then all of a sudden an explosion in your guts and bam! It won't stop coming out! I mean seriously I am 31 years old and at times I think I have pooped my pants more than my 3 year old niece. So there I am feeling "full of shit", fat, in pain, gassy, and I poop my pants. I know your possibly thinking wow really?... ew...why would she even tell people that?! it is gross but it's my reality. And the pain associated with all this... I can't even describe it, but I think you get the point.

I have lived my whole life this way. Doctor after doctor telling me I have IBS and prescribing medication after medication that yielded no relief, combined with my lack of concern for my own well being left me ignoring the problem and just "living with it".
That all changed a few months ago. When I met Christ and allowed God to show me what real self worth is I began to realize this is not normal and needs to change.
I went to the doctor and it was a bit of a fight there. They wanted to label me with IBS and prescribe a laxative and send me on my way. I knew this was not OK. They wouldn't listen to me when I expressed my concern and just kept telling me it's IBS. A year ago I would have accepted this and tried the medication for a month or so and then just let it be.

Not this time.

Now that I know I am worth more and there is better to be found, I finally trusted that little voice in me that has always said "there's more to it than this, dig deeper, find answers". And you know what I did? I waited on hold for an hour after demanding a referral to a specialist. I demanded, in a polite way, that they listen to me and we find the real problem. I stuck up for myself! And in a tactful way! No tantrum or scene. And three weeks later... boom! Root cause...fructose!

Another thing you need to know is that I used to be queen excuse maker and I had to fight my learned tendencies to not "excuse make" after being diagnosed. And talking about it is hard, food is the center of a LOT of social events and fellowship so naturally it comes up. I'm still figuring that out.

The diagnosis has been just the beginning of all new struggles. Do you know how hard it is to not eat fructose? It's in everything! Fruit, veggies, most anything processed... the list goes on and on.
But I'm ok with that... the hardest part for me has been that for two months I have been following what is supposed to be a fructose free diet and I don't feel better. Not one bit. And I'm exhausted. Missing out on a LOT of nutrients has made me feel even more unhealthy. Some days I want to scream, cry, and carry my bad mood around... like really bad... I want to pout and make excuses, stay in bed and just be sick. BUT I DON'T. And why don't I? I mean I have a pretty good reason to not feel well and allow myself to be "sick" right?
Wrong.

Yes I'm miserable, but you would never know. Unless your my best friend and have the luxury of hearing my daily "poop stories" you would never know. And here is the greater purpose part I mentioned earlier. It's simple... Jesus loves me. Nothing else matters. Not even this. Ya it sucks to not wear my favorite clothes at times because my belly is too bloated. And the whole poop thing... ya, ew. But it just doesn't matter. I have blind faith. It sucks now, it sucks big time, and it's not what I want for my life or my body. BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! And thank God it's not! It's about God and His son, my homeboy... Jesus. I know and believe it will get better whether God heals me or sends me solutions that work, I believe He will! And I will own up and do my part every day. I will take action on my end and stay diligent, follow the diet, listen to my body, go back to the doctors and make sure everything possible in figuring this out is connected at all dots. But most importantly... I will not lose my joy! in fact I have become even more motivated in life because of this.
There are nights when I don't want to run because I'm so full of gas my belly is huge and it hurts, or there is the utmost worst fear that I may have to "go to the bathroom" while running.

But I run anyway.

I was angry on my way to church this morning, running late, in a hurry, behind schedule because I got stuck on the toilet, But I stopped myself, shut off the anger and let God fill me with joy and light and I worshipped my butt off! And I had a great day because of it! Even though I felt horrible, it was great! I watched the Packer game with friends, I ate some food (fructose free of course) and got to fellowship with two amazing new friends, and ya I still felt horrible the whole time... but I made new happy memories and my smile never left my face. And it's not a fake cover up smile... it's pure real joy. Why? I'll say it again... because it's not about me.

What is stealing your joy today? Are you allowing your own agenda to interfere with God's? Has something been put on your plate that you don't want to deal with?
I don't know where this will all lead; I'm scheduling a colonoscopy tomorrow to see if more is going on, and I actually was waiting for an end result to write about this. But then I realized the true beauty is in the unknown. Blind faith. God will take care of me and I am good NO MATTER WHAT. Instead of clinging to the what-ifs of it all... what if its crohns disease, what if it's cancer, what if I'll never eat fruit again, what if I crap my pants?! Guess what...

IT DOESN'T MATTER!

God knows what is best for me and it's his agenda not mine. It's up to me to never give up, keep my joy, and stay on top of it with persistence and follow through. The rest... will be just fine because that has been promised by God. So folks....please do yourself a favor and get off your agenda, quit being "sick" with the excuses of life and start living no matter your circumstances! As cliche as it sounds... Life is short, start living and live it right with God and NOTHING will be able to interrupt your joy and your journey.

I ask you again, What is stealing your joy today? Are you allowing your own agenda to interfere with God's? Has something been put on your plate that you don't want to deal with? Perhaps you don't have your dream job, or someone hurt you? Do you find yourself giving up on life when you don't "feel good" or your unhappy and unsatisfied with the process God is walking you through? Or are you fighting tooth and nail without ever losing your joy?
Leave a comment or send an email and tell me about your joyful journeys or struggles. 

Be joyful always!

Blessings

XOXO

Jes

1 Thessalonians 5:18
Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

New Creation

“You have not changed, and you will never change, you can’t change, you are crazy, evil, and no good.”  

“I'm happy your life is different. But honestly, it doesn't change anything for me, and I can't trust that things will be different than they used to be.  Not with you.”

I received both those statements not too long ago via email and text. I remember reading those words the first time, and boy did they sting!  Not just because they are harsh words but because I believed them…almost.  But I knew better because I was part of a new story.  See this crazy awesome thing happens when you accept Christ; you actually DO become a NEW CREATION!  The proof lies in my favorite verse:

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.

One of my favorite people, Pastor Nathan Kroll, recently compared this verse to a butterfly in one of his sermons.  He said “When a person comes to know Christ, it says that they become a new creation. The word that it uses for new creation, is the word that we use, Metamorphosis; for when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly.  I don’t know if you know how that process works, but when a caterpillar changes into a butterfly they change species.  It goes from being one thing to an entirely different thing.  It’s not just a step in the growth process it changes completely, 100% becomes something else. That’s what that means when it says new creation.”

You ever get yourself on an amazing journey, like, you just get going and pick up momentum and then somebody says…”um no I don’t think so you can’t do that” “you are not capable” or “ you cannot change?”  I’m here today to tell you that you 100% can NO MATTER WHAT anyone else has to say.  See I had two choices when I got those text and emails telling me it wasn’t possible. I could either, 1) take it to heart, believe it and stop…let the lies and hurt become me, and never reach my full potential. Thus, letting other people dictate who I am and what I become. Or I could, 2) shed a couple tears… (I’ll be honest, those words hurt, and they hurt a lot! So yes I did cry a little) Then, dry my eyes, pick myself up and seek after the truth! Of course I chose number two! I let what God says about me dictate who I am and what I become and he says…I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST!

Almost exactly a year ago today I was in a very different place.  I had lost my big corporate sales job, was working in a bridal shop at very low pay with no benefits, I had to borrow my mom’s car because mine had been repossessed, and had just gotten out of a very toxic relationship and had to find a place to live on my own.  I was lost, scared, pretty much hopeless, and felt worthless inside and out.  I really, really, really wanted to lie down and cry about it all. In fact I did at first. I laid down on the floor and begged God for his mercy, not really even understanding what it was, I actually was begging for him to fix my broken relationship thinking that was the answer. Boy oh boy, am I glad he knows better than I!  Turns out getting me out of that toxic situation was EXACTLY what I needed! And I wouldn’t have it any other way! I have my SELF WORTH!  And I found it all in my Savior Jesus, when I accepted Him, just as it says…I became new, different, better…ME. 

It wasn’t easy and I had to work through a LOT of junk.  There were moments when I so badly wanted to turn around and give up but with the Holy Spirit in me it was all possible! It is so amazing to me how all I did was accept Jesus into my heart and all of a sudden I started thinking different, wanting different things, and having more motivation and drive than ever before….And I have only just begun! This is just the tip of the iceberg, in one area of my life. Everything about me has changed and is different. I have spread my wings and this butterfly is flying!  

So what do I think about those harsh words now? I DON’T think about them except to say they do NOT matter. All I know and all that matters is what God says about me and what he wants for my life and from here, man it’s looking good!

Where are you today? Are you a butterfly?  Or is someone holding you down with their judgments and opinions? Or even worse are you letting your own thoughts about yourself and your past keep you from becoming something new?  If you are struggling or have a butterfly story of your own, and want to share please comment or send me an email. Would love to chat it out with you!

Blessings!

XOXO

Jes

For Further updates on my life as it has continued to change see  blog posts:
I Am Changed and LET GO and LET GOD

It doesn't matter...It's in the past

Adult Simba: I know what I have to do. But going back means I'll have to face my past. I've been running from it for so long.

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head with his stick]

Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for?

Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.

[laughs]

Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

Not only is The Lion King one of my all-time favorite movies, to the point that my millennium quote in my senior High School yearbook stated that, the single most impacting moment of the millennium was indeed... when Lion King came out on video. But this particular conversation means so much more to me than just a funny moment in a cartoon movie.

“It doesn’t matter, It’s in the past” such a simple statement, and how true.  But do you really get it? Do you understand what that means? It is not just some random statement to not care about what you have done or what the consequences of your mistakes are.  Do you get what this REALLY means? This leads me to another question…do you know Jesus? It is my belief that if you do not know Jesus that you don’t truly know yourself. I speak from experience. Until I met Jesus and accepted Him in my heart I did not know myself. See, things in this world can damage a person. They damaged me. Haunting memories of my past mistakes led me to believe I was unworthy and did not deserve to be loved.  I honestly believed that each time I messed up, I received a “bad-girl” notch in my "headboard of life".  I believed I was “damaged goods” and hated myself. You ever feel that way? You ever do something so out of the ordinary and then consume yourself with so much hatred that you couldn’t even look in the mirror? I have. I admit it. I am human and I made a LOT of mistakes in my life.

I remember one in particular; it didn’t happen too long ago either. See, I was desperately “in love”(I put in love in quotations because I was not really in love, I had no idea what real love was at this point in my life) with someone who treated me bad and strung me along. He treated me like a yo-yo and I let him. I got myself into this situation and for all the wrong reasons. I was looking desperately for love and let myself believe that my self-worth was in this man’s approval of me.  Without him and his love, I wasn’t good enough. Sick way of thinking isn’t it? Oh and trust me, my best friend told me time and time again that I deserved more and better but I wouldn’t believe it. So I chased after this relationship and this person trying to fulfill this void and need for approval. One night via text he told me that it was over, for like the 20^th time that month and I would not accept that decision over a text. So what did I do? I went over un-invited to his house. He wouldn’t let me in so, my desperation led me to believe climbing his balcony was the answer. Yes, I climbed his balcony expecting to get in somehow and that if he just saw me, and saw how much I loved him, THEN he will love me back! Well, he didn’t…in fact he called the cops on me and told me that I was insane and crazy.  Luckily I didn’t get into any trouble; they just took me to my friend’s house.  Boy oh boy what a night that was! My best friend held me while I shivered with self-hatred and lay on her floor as tears streamed out my eyes endlessly. I kept replaying the decisions I made that night over and over and over in my head, and immediately started working a plan in my head to prove myself better, to prove I wasn’t as he said, “crazy and insane”, somehow, someway, I was going to earn my worth.  The story didn’t end there I got sucked back into that relationship for about another month or two and inevitably got told in the end I wasn’t good enough and he had found someone better, someone not crazy…someone that wouldn’t climb his balcony in the middle of the night.  I can’t begin to tell you how bad that stung. All I could do was repeat the mistakes I made, especially that night, over and over and over in my head. I blamed myself and I believed I was what he said “crazy and insane”, and a hopeless lost cause.  You know, I almost did not write about this night, I hesitated for just a minute, afraid all of you would think I was just crazy as well. But I have to tell you…being able to admit my wrongs is the most freeing thing I have ever done. And here is why…

The conversation between Rafiki and Simba is so right on the money. What have you been running from? What is it about your past that haunts you so much you are afraid to face it? Do you ever just wish you could wipe your slate clean and start all over? I used to be the queen of second chances; “im sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry” well, guess what? Sorry isn’t good enough…when your heart is not right. Finally understanding what it meant to repent and actually be sorry to God in my heart, and allow Christ to wipe the slate clean for me freed me from the burden of all my past mistakes.  I don’t have to feel bad or embarrassed about any of it…IT DOESN’T MATTER IT’S IN THE PAST!

The most important part of this is that not only did I repent…I walked away from it all and began a new life, a new story. I’ll never forget Pastor Bruce Riddle’s words to me during my baptism “you are part of a new story Jes, it’s all new and all that junk is left in the past, you are part of a new story” ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I can still hear his voice…what a real true moment in time when I really, really, finally understood what peace is. My past does not haunt me anymore. In fact, I laugh at my “spidey powers” now.

I know I will still have moments of poor judgment; after all, I am human. But those moments are far and few between, as I am thinking and seeing much clearer now. My focus is not on living for me and my wants and needs, its all about Christ and living for Him. Now that I KNOW Jesus and have a relationship with him, I know myself...and my REAL worth.  Not what a guy I made the mistake of dating says about me, but what God says about me... 

Now I converse with God daily, and through the blood of Jesus I am clean of everything in my past.  And in the future, when (not if, but WHEN) I make mistakes...I won't end up on my best friend's floor shivering in regret. Not ever again. I asked God to change my heart...and he did. And I didn't even have to EARN it. God freely gives me his grace even though I do not deserve it.  Amazing isn't it?! 

Where is your heart today? Are you burdened from your past mistakes and running from them? Or are you admitting them, learning from them, and free of them through Jesus? Leave a comment or if you would like to chat more in depth send me an email. Would love to talk to you about it!

Blessings

XOXO

~Jes

Psalm 51:2
Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!

Hebrews 8:12

For I will be merciful and gracious toward their sins and I will remember their deeds of unrighteousness no more.

Philippians 4:13

I grew up athletic in a different way. I began twirling baton when I was 4 years old. It was all I knew, and I was never allowed to try any other sports as twirling took up all my time. I loved it! I was a successful competitor and the Feature Twirler in college at the University of Nebraska.  I have always been an athlete at heart, but never truly stepped outside of my comfort zone or branched out to do different things.

Once I got older and twirling was no longer a part of my life, other than occasional coaching, I fell into a pretty bad slump. I became lazy and full of excuses. I would work out from time to time, it came and went in spurts, mostly just trying to keep myself looking good. I developed a LOT of bad habits. I was unrecognizable even to myself, and not in the way I looked, but in my attitude.  I was so lost and so down.

 Then this past January I fell into my own brokenness through certain life changing situations that left me feeling defeated in life and worthless, unable to amount to anything. I ended up at Christ's Place Church and a life changing moment occurred. I gave my heart to Christ and began following Him. In this change of heart I began to transform. I no longer made excuses for myself. I began to challenge myself, even when I didn’t want to.

After finishing my first 5k race

It all started with a spur of the moment last minute entry to a St. Patrick ’s Day 5k race in March of this year.  My pregnant friend talked me into doing it with her and gosh I couldn’t say no…she was 5 months pregnant and she was doing it! So I did it…with no real training…just a pair of running shoes I bought and barely used in the past and I finished! I didn't even stop to walk! I felt this rush I had never known, my whole body ached but I was determined and began running on a regular basis. Next, I did another 5k race a month later and then a 10k race, and then another 5k, and I finished them all! Now I was feeling motivated! And through it all Christ was with me providing me with the strength to achieve these goals.

Then I got injured. I was crushed. I had an overuse injury in my knee. I'll be honest, I wanted to quit...easy out, I was injured...perfect excuse...but the fire inside me would not be put out so easily.  Instead of sitting down and pouting about it I changed up my work outs. Can't run everyday? fine... I started riding my old school 5 speed mountain bike 10 miles at a time. Then it occurred to me, my Dad used to do Triathlons, so I just decided that I could too!  I literally woke up one morning and said…yup I am doing it! And I signed up for the Omaha Triathlon Sprint Distance! (this was about 6 weeks prior to the event, definitely on a time crunch for training…but I was determined!)  Then I realized I don’t really know how to swim, another opportunity to find an easy out right? WRONG! I went  bought a race suit, goggles and a swim cap and headed to the nearest YMCA and jumped in the pool. Little did I realize…I am terrified of putting my face in the water and swimming was NOT as easy as I thought it would be. That first attempt sent me packing in tears full of frustration.  I REALLY wanted to throw in the towel this time...really really bad! I had to pray and fight my natural tendency to find an excuse BIG TIME. I forced myself to get in that pool EVERY day for that 6 weeks, got some help from friends to coach me on technique, and every day it totally sucked! But I did it anyway keeping my faith in God to help me face my fears.  Once again...Christ was with me providing me with what I needed to get through these pool workouts, EVERY TIME.

Before I knew it, the big day was here! Time for the Omaha Triathlon! I wasn’t very nervous for the bike or the run because I had done that so many times and was comfortable with the distances, but man o man did that swim terrify me! Just the thought of it sent my stomach flip flopping. I wrote one of my favorite Bible verses on my left hand Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength) I prayed with my best friend right before my wave went and off I went! I was shaking and trembling in fear when I started, this was not easy in my mind or in my body, not one bit. But, in my spirit...I found my strength. My whole entire body wanted to give out, every inch of me tired, exhausted, all my muscles burning, water up my nose, water in my face, oh man water in my face...I HATE water in my face! But i refused to give up, I WOULD NOT QUIT!  That verse on my hand was in my sight line the entire time and I just focused on that, with every breath, with every inch forward that I moved in the water...Christ...it was all about Him, He was with me.  The volunteers in the kayaks stayed close and offered me help numerous times, but i refused and said "nope We got this! I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength!" That half mile seriously felt like TEN miles! And I was pretty much last out of the water, but when I got to shore...oh man when I got to shore... I can't put it into words the feeling of overcoming joy that was inside me! Triumphant! I was triumphant! All I could hear was my best friend yelling "30 minute swim baby!" and I pretty much bawled happy tears all the way to the transition area. 

Then I went off to the bike and it was really hard…that course was incredibly challenging! Might I add that I was not riding the finest of bikes. Just me and my Mt. Fury 5 speed mountain bike! I don't even know how to change the gears, so I just left it on 5 at the hardest resistance and off I went! Next thing I know I am at the turn around point and I couldn’t believe it…I was actually doing it! 6 more miles to go to complete the total of 12 miles on this course and I just kept repeating the lyrics to a song "you make ALL things work together for my good" over and over and over. Then before I knew it I was back in transition off to run. By this point my entire body was in pain. I hurt from head to toe, but I didn't care. I felt like i was flying...no, soaring! People kept shouting "yay! #376 you look strong! Great smile!" I remember thinking to myself...I'm smiling??? I was so overcome with joy I couldn't even tell I was smiling!  Jesus was definitely with me. Once I reached the turnaround point I realized I was really going to do it, and even writing this right now I can't hold back the tears...As I approached the finish line I took a deep breath to stop the outpour of emotion that was about to surface and it occured to me...WOW, again, I don't recognize myself...and I am glad. Who is this woman? Me? Jessie Adcox???I am  about to cross the finish line of a triathlon that I just woke up one day and "decided" to do? DAMN RIGHT I AM! 

When I crossed that finish line…I just paused and went silent, in complete praise to God.  He brought me to this with 100% intent to show me that I indeed am strong and can and WILL do anything with His strength. WOW...resonate in that one for a minute...this wasn't MY idea...I didn't just "decide" to do this...God brought me to it so He could see me through it. AMAZING.  I recall that moment right after I crossed the finish line and the volunteers panicked a little thinking I was in pain and began to motion for me to sit down,  and I just said to them…”no, I am OK, just let me soak this in…I did it…I DID IT! I CAN DO ANYTHING! PRAISE GOD" and one of the females just said, "yes, yes you did...and yes you can. Congratulations!" And then they put the medal around my neck.



My biggest takeaway from the triathlon is that I really can do anything through Christ who gives me strength and I just proved it! No longer am I down on myself or afraid. I am confident and realize that if I am not uncomfortable, then I am not doing enough and I need to stretch myself further.  No longer am I just a twirler who cannot do other sports…I am a triathlete! And this is just the beginning!  I cannot wait to see where God leads me with this! I have said it before and I will say it again...Get uncomfortable and step outside of your box! Challenge yourself physically and thus challenging your spirit and your mind. You will be amazed at the transformation God will create in you, if you only ALLOW Him to.

So let me put this on you, What are you doing today to stretch yourself beyond your limits in order to grow? Are you trusting God to put certain challenges in your life and having that blind faith knowing He will see you through it? Leave a comment or send me an email, would love to hear your stories.

Blessings

XOXO

~Jes

Who do you live for?

Tell me... who do you live for? Such a simple question... or is it?

Do you live for yourself? Your spouse? Your friends? Your family? Do people around you, magazines, social networks like Facebook and Twitter define you? Or how about not even other people but, their opinions? What defines you? Your job? The amount of money you make? The things you own? What kind of car you drive or... what about your past? Does your past define you? What makes you, YOU?
I gotta be honest with you... those questions used to be very VERY painful things to even think about. I suppose mostly because I was so lost that I allowed all those things to define me. Then, even more disgraceful... I became them.

I think the most earth shattering moment for me was when a relationship I was in came to an end. This man who once said he loved me and planned to marry me, dismissed me so easily because "people didn't like me, and he couldn't have a girlfriend people didn't like " he also said I had made too many mistakes, my reputation was ruined, I was a loser, and that it would take a lot longer to "fix" my reputation than it did to destroy it, and he wasn't willing to wait and didn't believe I could. Harsh words to say to another person huh? But what's worse?... what he said to me? Or the fact that I believed it?

The missing part of the story is that I had already fallen into a pattern long before entering that relationship of letting others define who I was. I based my self worth off of what people, mostly men, thought of me. And this led me down a path of picking a LOT of not so good men to spend my time with. After getting lied to, cheated on, and yes, even hit and beat up at times, I allowed myself to believe and even act as if I didn't deserve any better. So who's fault was that?
Mine.
It was mine.
I was not stupid, blind, or naive... I was lazy. And not just lazy... even worse, I was selfish, I wanted control, control of my life. And the funny thing is, the more I tried to control it... the more out of control it became.

See, I knew the answer all along yet I ignored it. I let a man who lied to me, ignored me, treated me like dirt, and was always keeping other options open yet kept me around for rent money and physical needs, tell me who I was and I believed it and let it destroy me... ALMOST.

I fell... I fell hard! And man I'm so glad I did because I landed right in my saviour's arms. He began speaking TRUTH in my life because, I ALLOWED HIM TO! I Finally surrendered to God and began to see clearly for the first time in my life. I realized I was listening to what others said and thought about me and had let those lies take over. I realized God always had bigger better plans for me and I was merely "slumming it" just to feel loved.

What's so awesome is that God has ALWAYS seen me and loved me for who I am even after all those mistakes I made, even after being lazy and selfish, and even after ignoring His truth for so long. I finally am able to look in the mirror, makeup or not, and see that I am beautiful! And why? Because I don't live for myself! I live for Jesus and God defines who I am! NOBODY ELSE!

I sat in the ocean just barely 12 hours ago and as the waves hit my face I just laughed and laughed, I felt so free and full of joy all I could do is laugh. Then I took a deep breath and smiled... I even shed a few happy tears as I looked up to God and just thanked Him for never giving up, for loving me no matter what, and most of all... for defining me. I live for Him. I am loved and so are you!

Now, let me ask you again... who are you and what defines you? Are you allowing your past, your spouse, your possessions, your friends and family, or your job feed you full of lies? Or are you turning to God to get the TRUTH about who you are? Are you leading your life or is He?
If you struggle with this, leave your comments or send an email and let me know.
Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Blackout

Friday, August 24, 2012 at 8:18am Denver Airport

Watching all the couples walk hand in hand throughout the airport kinda makes me jealous a little bit. Then I stop and think and reflect... shocker... that's what I do... and I see myself. Independent strong confident and my only real worry is having to end up using the bathroom on the airplane.

A year ago I couldn't separate my worry from my awake my fears from my sleep and I was in such a dark place it didn't matter how many lights were on or how bright the sun shined... I was trapped in a constant blackout. And the saddest part about it is I put myself there. I abused this glorious thing God gave me called free will and I trapped myself.

Its so funny now... how you can just decide the wrong action chase the empty things expecting them to fill you up and then get pissed at the world and blame your circumstances, make a million excuses, or point your finger at others. But people do it all the time! I did it for years!
You know what the awesome thing about it all is though? Just as simply as you made all those wrong choices...you can make one right choice and light a candle in your blackout.

That choice and that light is Jesus. One you light that candle it begins to burn and grow... I made this choice and now my blackout is a constant burning forest fire full of life! All those bad decisions and mistakes in my past... that's where they are and where they stay... in the past. I'm free of it and loved.

So now after processing all this let me look around this airport again... Yup! Still couple after couple... man so many people in love excited to be going places... and you know what? I'm not jealous... I'm in love too! With Jesus! I'm connected to all these people as we all share this beautiful thing called Love! I challenge you today... where is your darkness level? Are you in a blackout? Or are the lights dimming? What are you chasing to fulfil your needs? Is it just a temporary fix of more emptiness? Or have you found your truth and your light? If not I suggest you do as I did and get a running start and go meet Jesus and let him light your candle!

Blessings!
XOXO
~Jes

1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.